Jam_Reads_Smut > Jam_Reads_Smut's Quotes

“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

“Perv."
He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

“I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow.
Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-"

And what?" (Michael)

When did you get home?" Claire demanded.

Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different.”
― Rachel Caine, Feast of Fools

“And let’s face it people, no one is ever honest with you about child birth. Not even your mother.       “It’s a pain you forget all about once you have that sweet little baby in your arms.”     Bullshit.   I CALL BULLSHIT.   Any friend, cousin, or nosey-ass stranger in the grocery store that tells you it’s not that bad is a lying sack of shit.   Your vagina is roughly the size of the girth of a penis.   It has to stretch and open andturn into a giant bat cave so the life-sucking human you’ve been growing for nine months can angrily claw its way out.   Who in their right mind would do that willingly?   You’re just walking along one day and think to yourself, “You know, I think it’s time I turn my vagina into an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar (minus the cheddar) and saddle myself down for a minimum of eighteen years to someone who will suck the soul and the will to live right out of my body so I’m a shell of the person I used to be and can’t get laid even if I pay for it.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick!   Me, me, me, pick me!   And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment?   I will cut a bitch.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw,”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."

"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked.”
― T.J. Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Right when my fingers started to slip inside my underwear, I opened my eyes and screamed.     "HOLY SHIT!"     My son stood there next to the bed just staring at me. Seriously, two inches from my face just staring at me like those creepy twins in "The Shining." I waited for him to start saying, "Come play with us" in their freaky twin voices while I tried not to have a heart attack.     "Gavin, seriously. You can't just stand here and stare at mommy. It's weird," I grumbled as I put my hand to my aching head and tried to calm my pounding heart.       Sweet Jesus, who kicked me in the head and shit in my mouth last night?     "You said a bad word, Mommy,”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Water? At a wedding? I don’t understand,” he asks in confusion. “Did you invite Jesus? That’s the only way that will be acceptable.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Holy shit, did they just kill off that fish’s wife?” I blurted in shock.
“Yep,” Gavin replied. “That big, mean fish ated her.”
He said it so calmly – like it was no big deal that a sweet, loving cartoon fish just got murdered. What the fuck was wrong with this movie? This couldn’t be appropriate for kids. I didn’t think it was appropriate for me.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Spitters are Quitters”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Did you see that? The fuck I give. It went that way.”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.

"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with F**k Her Hard and be done with it?”
― Tara Sivec, Seduction and Snacks

“Oh shit, the jig is up! HIDE THE COOKIES!”
― Tara Sivec

“I should ask her to marry me now. If I do it while she's coming, she probably won't be able to say no. It would be physically impossible. Like performing a sex exorist. THE POWER OF THE ORGASM COMPELS YOU!”
― Tara Sivec, Futures and Frosting

“Touching his cock was like eating chips; I couldn't stop after just one.”
― Jasinda Wilder, Big Girls Do It Better

“What can I say? I've never met a cupcake I didn't want to get to know better.”
― Jasinda Wilder, Big Girls Do It Better

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”
― Allen Saunders

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

“He was wooing me. And I was letting him woo. I wanted the woo. I deserved the woo. I needed the wow that would surely follow the woo, but for now, the woo? It was whoa.”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger

“He pushed me back up against the door, slamming me against the doorbell. I heard it ring out.
"Coming!" I heard Holly say as she clicked across the floor to the front door.
"Not quite, but she’s close." He chuckled, removing his hand and leaving me breathless and rosy cheeked.”
― Alice Clayton, The Unidentified Redhead

“I moaned like a whore in church.
To be fair, I’d never actually heard a whore moan in church, but I had a feeling it sounded a lot like the unholy sounds pouring forth from my mouth.”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger

“Simon does commando. God bless America.”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger

“You give good woo.”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger

“You gonna bang my walls, Simon?” I laughed.
“You have no idea,” he promised.”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger

“The girl next door was meowing. What in the world was my neighbor packing to make that happen?”
― Alice Clayton, Wallbanger