Melissa > Melissa's Quotes

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#1

“I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

tags: humor

5066 likes

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#2

“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.”
― Mark Twain

tags: humor, men, women

4698 likes

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#3

“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

tags: humor, inspirational, success

4228 likes

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#4

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
― Will Rogers

tags: enterprise, humor, inertia, inspirational

3589 likes

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#5

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
― Dorothy Parker

tags: beauty, classic-insult, humor, ugly

3583 likes

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#6

“In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
― Bill Watterson

tags: humor, jerks, science

1289 likes

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#7

“As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

tags: humor

1185 likes

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#8

“For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

tags: humor

1124 likes

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#9

“FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.”
― Stephen King, Doctor Sleep

tags: humor, humour, stephen-king

1165 likes

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#10

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”
― Mae West

860 likes

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#11

“Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

tags: humor, risque

701 likes

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#12

“Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.”
― Jon Stewart

tags: christianity, humor, religion

657 likes

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#13

“It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, The Man Upstairs and Other Stories

tags: apologies, apologizing, humor, people, taking-advantage

684 likes

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#14

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
― Drew Carey

tags: drinking, humor, jobs, life

435 likes

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#15

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, look to tomorrow, rest this afternoon.”
― Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown's Little Book of Wisdom

tags: contentment, humor, live-in-the-moment, napping

454 likes

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#16

“The baby bat
Screamed out in fright,
'Turn on the dark,
I'm afraid of the light.”
― Shel Silverstein

tags: bat, dark, fear, humor, light

452 likes

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#17

“Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.”
― Sue Grafton

tags: humor, independent-thought, thought

420 likes

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#18

“Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

tags: humor, inspirational, love, simile, tree, trust

423 likes

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#19

“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?”
― Shannon L. Alder

tags: adversity, anger, battles, boyfriends, breakups, choices, confusion, crazy-love, crush, dating, disease, divorce, exboyfriends, exgirlfriends, exspouse, feelings, funny, hatred, humor, in-love, insane, insane-love, insanity, lack-of-communication, life, mad-love, marriage, mixed-signals, obsessive-love, partners, relationships, romance, spouse, struggles, stupid-men, stupid-women, unfinished-business, unrequited-love

650 likes

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#20

“There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.”
― Joss Whedon

tags: fan, fanatic, humor, lines, perspective, stalking, support, wit

464 likes

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#21

“The world isn't fair, Calvin."
"I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

tags: cartoons, comics, fairness, humor

426 likes

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#22

“I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, dumb, humor, information, school

529 likes

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#23

“Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.”
― Charles Schulz

tags: charlie-brown, humor, peanuts

387 likes

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#24

“Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”
― Mae West

tags: humor, marriage

361 likes

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#25

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
― Robert Bloch

tags: humor

404 likes

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#26

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ”
― Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

tags: humor

390 likes

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#27

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.”
― Sam Levenson

tags: family, humor, relationships

359 likes

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#28

“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”
― Mark A. Cooper, Royal Decree

tags: funny, humor, prick, rude-quote, schoolboy-quote, witty-comebacks

412 likes

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#29

“It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.”
― Karen Moning, Faefever

tags: encouragement, gone-with-the-wind, humor, inspirational

443 likes

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#30

“Everything stinks till it’s finished.”
― Dr. Seuss

tags: humor, inspirational

289 likes

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humor
men
women
inspirational
success
enterprise
inertia
beauty
classic-insult
ugly
jerks
science
humour
stephen-king
risque
christianity
religion
apologies
apologizing
people
taking-advantage
drinking
jobs
life
contentment
live-in-the-moment
napping
bat
dark
fear
light
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thought
love
simile
tree
trust
adversity
anger
battles
boyfriends
breakups
choices
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dating
disease
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