Justin > Justin's Quotes

“You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.”
― Terry Pratchett

“I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.”
― Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

“There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.”
― Terry Pratchett

“That hat looks ridiculous.”
“Fortunately, I can change hats,” Wayne said, “while you, sir, are stuck with that face.”
― Brandon Sanderson, The Alloy of Law

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“I USHERED SOULS INTO THE NEXT WORLD. I WAS THE GRAVE OF ALL HOPE. I WAS THE ULTIMATE REALITY. I WAS THE ASSASSIN AGAINST WHOM NO LOCK WOULD HOLD.
"Yes, point taken, but do you have any particular skills?”
― Terry Pratchett, Mort

“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“Witches are naturally nosy,” said Miss Tick, standing up. “Well, I must go. I hope we shall meet again. I will give you some free advice, though.”
“Will it cost me anything?”
“What? I just said it was free!” said Miss Tick.
“Yes, but my father said that free advice often turns out to be expensive,” said Tiffany.
Miss Tick sniffed. “You could say this advice is priceless,” she said, “Are you listening?”
“Yes,” said Tiffany.
“Good. Now...if you trust in yourself...”
“Yes?”
“...and believe in your dreams...”
“Yes?”
“...and follow your star...” Miss Tick went on.
“Yes?”
“...you’ll still be beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren’t so lazy. Goodbye.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men

“Real children do not go hoppity skip unless they are on drugs.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

“I'm not the world's greatest expert, but I would have thought that the wizards, witches, trolls, unicorns, ... broomsticks and spells would have given her a clue?' - when J.K. Rowling insisted she wasn't writing fantasy.”
― Terry Pratchett

“I DON'T HOLD WITH CRUELTY TO CATS.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Last Hero

“You got the shit end of that stick.” “You ever wonder what people were doing with sticks and shit so that became a phrase?” “Not until now.” “That’ll wake you up in the night.”
― Eric Ugland, Wild Wild Quest

“What about you, Mr Asano? What are you looking for in a woman?” “Evil genius,” Jason said casually. “Evil genius?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “Why not? Smart, confident, assertive, driven. What’s not to like?” “The evil?” Cassandra ventured. “That could be a problem long-term,” Jason acknowledged. “Maybe what I need is a naughty genius.” He thought it over for a moment as an impish grin took over his face. “Yeah,” he said, voice purring. “That sounds exactly right.”
― Shirtaloon, He Who Fights with Monsters

“We’re slowly phasing it out in favour of wealth-based oligarchy, but it’s still around.”
― Shirtaloon, He Who Fights with Monsters

“Alright,” Jason said. “Any idea if I’ll be getting my old rank back?” “The issue is that you’re very… loud for an iron-ranker,” Vincent said. “They’re going to want a display of humility.” “No worries,” Jason said. “No one’s as good at being humble as me.”
― Shirtaloon, He Who Fights with Monsters 3

“The trowel looked rather sinister, made out of some kind of black metal with a red sheen. It carried the wear marks of having been used as a planting tool, but also had a razor edge that seemed wholly unnecessary for gardening purposes. “Blood cult?” Jason read unhappily from the item description. “Who gardens with an evil trowel?”
― Shirtaloon, He Who Fights with Monsters

“[I’ve also removed your ability, and your need, to poop. Don't ask how, I'm somewhat ashamed of my solution. The lucky fellow who necessitated this change gets to keep his [Plague Lord] class, and he still gets to reap the benefits of the ongoing plague; but enough is enough. I remember well enough from last time not to make the mistake of taking away your precious ability to fart. I don’t need to deal with endless complaining on top of everything else.]”
― Matthew Howry, The Prince Has Been Outclassed

“People who confuse entomology and etymology bug me in ways I can't put into words.”
― Alex Raizman, Greed