The French Quotes

“In a French accent developed through a lifetime of using English I said, 'Hello sir, I would like to row the English Channel in a bath please.'
What actually arrived in the ear of the French Navy man was, 'Hello sire, I would like to fight a condom across a bath if you please.”
― Tim Fitzhigham, In the Bath: Conquering the Channel in a Piece of Plumbing

“I phoned the Admiral back.
'It's no use, Admiral, the French speak nothing but French.'
There was a short pause on the end of the line then his voice rattled into life like a sabre.
'They're lying, Tim!'
'What?'
'The French Navy must by law speak English, as English is the international maritime language of the sea.'
'Has anyone told the French that?'
The line went dead for a moment before he thundered, 'Yes Nelson. At the battle of Trafalgar.'
I tried to stifle an irresistibly British giggle not knowing if the Admiral was making a joke or not. I got it right. He was serious.”
― Tim Fitzhigham, In the Bath: Conquering the Channel in a Piece of Plumbing

“For all the enlightened nations that profess a loyalty to liberty, democracy, economy and all the rest, there has long been a readiness to look for a chosen one; as Carlyle pointed out, even the French, those great anti-venerators, those relentless beheaders of Great Men, worshipped Voltaire.”
― Chris Anderson, The Numbers Game: Why Everything You Know About Soccer Is Wrong

“Bonjour, the Embassy of France'
'Ah, bonjour, excuse me for asking but where is the French Coastguard?'
'At the coast. Guarding.”
― Tim Fitzhigham, In the Bath: Conquering the Channel in a Piece of Plumbing

“There's no Coastguard in France. They let the French Navy do it. They have to give them something to do. It's not good for national pride to have to disband it so they turned it into a Coastguard. I think it does a few other bits and bobs too.”
― Tim Fitzhigham, In the Bath: Conquering the Channel in a Piece of Plumbing

“There was a general tendency to ascribe almost any irregular or bad behaviour to the French. [...] A tonsil-tickling embrace is still known as a French kiss, as if somehow it would never have occurred to an English person to stick their tongue into another person's mouth if the French hadn't invented it.”
― Jeremy Paxman, The English: A Portrait of a People

“A civilization worthy of that name will always feel guilty toward Man and that is, precisely, what makes it a civilization.” Pascal, probably. It’s always Pascal with the French, when it’s not La Rochefoucauld. Aristocratic bastards.”
― Romain Gary, The Gasp