Virtual Cubicle Quotes

“One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that?”
― Neil Leckman

“I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges soaking up so much water.”
― Neil Leckman

“You know what they say. "One man's joke is another man's brother”
― Neil Leckman

“I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!”
― Neil Leckman

“If I were a candy bar I’d want to be a snicker, because then I’d have the last laugh!!”
― Neil Leckman

“Headstones:

What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!"

"This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide."

"OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!!”
― Neil Leckman

“Thrice damned she howls like Cerberus to the night
Guarding virtues that lie like forgotten stains
On oaken floors that pave the willow lined paths of the past
That lead to a meadow filled with the detritus of wasted love
Rotting under a forgotten sun that no longer shines
In a heart gone cold therein lies the haste of anger.”
― Neil Leckman

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?? Who keeps track of those things?”
― Neil Leckman

“Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.”
― Neil Leckman

“Overheard vampire conversation.
"Is that Ophelia?"
"yep"
"She doesn't look well"
"Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her.”
― Neil Leckman

“If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?”
― Neil Leckman

“Why is ground round sold in a square package?”
― Neil Leckman

“I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!!”
― Neil Leckman

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was.”
― Neil Leckman

“I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!”
― Neil Leckman

“Bad answers for employment questions:

Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?

"My parole was granted”
― Neil Leckman

“Bad questions at employment interviews:

"Is your drug test graded on a curve?”
― Neil Leckman

“They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it.”
― Neil Leckman

“I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!!”
― Neil Leckman

“A major reason many Americans still struggle to find meaningful work is because they are using tactics from the 1990s and early 2000s. The future for employment is now here...and it's online."
~February 21, 2013 as featured by CBS Money Watch”
― Matt Keener, Executive in Sweatpants: A Handbook for Launching Your Work from Home Career

“Sat in the Jacuzzi last night looking at the dark recesses of the nozzles. Remembering the story I wrote about spiders nesting there. Multifaceted eyes watching me watching them, almost like when you set two mirrors parallel to each other, accept this infinity ends up in some fuzzy creature’s belly. I have a nice picture of a Hobo spider in my backyard, venom dripping off one of those nasty fangs of theirs. Son of a bitch is looking at me and his mouth is watering waiting for me to stick my hand under the rock he’s nested in. I hate it when you spray a spider with insecticide and it curls up for a few minutes, then uncurls and staggers home. I’m like an arachnid cheap date that sucks!!
I just picture the spider staggering into the nest and the female spider asking, “Is that Raid I smell on you?”
The spider just smiles (interesting thing to picture) and passes out.”
― Neil Leckman

“I'll give you something to cry about!!
Hell, no need to get up I’m doing a good job of bawling my eyes out now. It could be that having one of the spokes from my ten speed pierce my thigh depressed me because now that tire will wobble.
“Have you learned your lesson?”
“Cry sooner because you’ll stop quicker?”
**SMACK**
“Can I go for best three out of five?”
** SMACK** **SMACK**

“I’m only beating you because I care!!”
“Lucky me, I couldn’t have been raised by a heartless bitch?”
**SMACK!!**
“I think I’m beginning to feel the love now…”
― Neil Leckman

“How to contact in case of an emergency?

I prefer 911 myself...”
― Neil Leckman

“I am open to comments, I accept with with all humility, or at least what I can muster at short notice.”
― Neil leckman

“http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1... This is a link to my first kick starter project called "Magic of the Trees”
― neil leckman

“My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!!”
― Neil Leckman

“Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties...”
― Neil Leckman

“I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**!”
― Neil Leckman