Moragan Jones

“She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

“If

"If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie warn't a lie,
Life would be delight,--
But things couldn't go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn't be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I'd be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn't be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair,--
Yet they'd all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn't be we.”
― E.E. Cummings

“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.