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Randall Munroe
“As far as I know, this steak question originally came up in a lengthy 4chan thread, which quickly disintegrated into poorly informed physics tirades intermixed with homophobic slurs. There was no clear conclusion.”
Randall Munroe, What If? 10th Anniversary Edition: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions

Douglas Adams
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

Maurice Switzer
“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.”
Maurice Switzer, Mrs. Goose, Her Book

P.J. O'Rourke
“A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”
P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People

Oscar Wilde
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

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