May

“LOL. Wuteva. “What the hell does that mean?” Gus asked. “Lawl? Lole? I don’t speak youth!”
― T.J. Klune, How to Be a Normal Person

“Two minutes and fourteen seconds later, he’d somehow gotten trapped in a black hole on a site called Tumblr that led to porn of a most enthusiastic variety, if the faces of the six people on the screen had any measure. Gus may have shrieked slightly when one of the pornographic actors, a large Caucasian male with exuberant-looking nipples, glared at one of the females, gave a cocky smirk, and said, “I’m gonna get yo mouth pregnant.” Gus slammed the computer shut just as the large pornographic actor began to do just that. For the next four minutes and seventeen seconds, he stood in his kitchen, rocking back and forth, moaning, “But you can’t get her mouth pregnant, you just can’t.”
― T.J. Klune, How to Be a Normal Person

“Well, now,” Mrs. Havisham said, all but purring as she leaned forward, ample cleavage on display. “You’ve grown up, haven’t you? Tell me, Gustavo. What are your thoughts on having an experienced lover?”
“Not many,” Gus said. “In fact, none at all. Also? I came out when I was thirteen. You were there. As was the whole town. Pastor Tommy announced it at the Fall Harvest Festival. On stage. Into a microphone. There was apple pie afterward.”
“Still?” she said with an exaggerated pout.
“Yes,” Gus said, deadpan as he could make it. “Still. Funny how that works.”
“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me,” she said, dragging a pink fingernail down his arm. “My door is always open. Like my body.”
“That’s not even remotely healthy,” Gus said with a sniff.
“Maybe that’s why I need your protein,” she said with a wink.
“Nope,” Gus said. “Nope, nope, nope.”
“You sure about that?”
“Maybe you should close that door. And your legs.”
― T.J. Klune, How to Be a Normal Person

“Robert Redford is like cheese: he ages well and I want to put him in my mouth.”
― T.J. Klune, How to Be a Normal Person