Brian

“You took an oath to uphold the law and defend the citizens without fear or favor," said Vimes. "And to protect the innocent. That's all they put in. Maybe they thought those were the important things. Nothing in there about orders, even from me. You're an officer of the law, not a soldier of the government.”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“How do you know he’s dead? I realize that I may regret asking that question.” “He’s got a broken neck from falling off a roof and I reckon he fell off because he got a steel crossbow dart in his brain.” “Ah. That sounds like dead, if you want my medical opinion.”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“There’s nothing a showoff hates more than a competing showoff.”
― Scott Meyer, Spell or High Water