Chris Messina

“When we stand up and confront ourselves in ways our parents have not, a desire for justice makes it harder to forgive them in some ways. However, the increased differentiation this endeavor provides allows one to better self-soothe, to validate one’s own experience, thereby unhooking the need for confession from one’s parent. At this point, forgiveness becomes an act of self-caring and a deliberate decision to get on with one’s life.”
― David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

“When we think of people giving up on their marriage, divorce usually comes to mind. But many people who give up on their marriage (or themselves or their partner) don’t leave; they stay in the comfort cycle—until their marriage presents the inevitable dilemma: venture into the growth cycle or face divorce, loss of integrity, or living death. Validating and soothing each other has its place in marriage—but not when you’re dependent on it. You get stuck in the comfort cycle because neither of you has the strength or motivation to break out. That’s when the other side of the process comes in: holding onto yourself (self-confrontation and self-soothing).”
― David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

“as partners become better able to self-confront and self-soothe, they have less need to control each other. They can maintain their own emotional stability and worry less about what their partner is doing. They stop expecting their partner to understand them and focus more on understanding themselves, which, in turn, reduces defensiveness and combativeness, and encourages good will and growth rather than resistance and stagnation.”
― David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships

“Stop thinking of yourself as an infant with an infant’s supposed mentality (e.g., “fears of abandonment”). Think of yourself as a adult with an infant’s resilience harnessed to your increased abilities to survive and cope. It is reasonable and necessary to expect adults to self-soothe and self-regulate better than infants.”
― David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships