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Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships

by Marnia Robinson

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Reading for the 2nd time

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KB said: " What I like so far...Good argument, but no solid conclusion

To be clear, there are no actual studies that Karezza in and of itself saves marriages, or rebuilds lost passion in a relationship. However, the reason why this book is very interesting is th What I like so far...Good argument, but no solid conclusion

To be clear, there are no actual studies that Karezza in and of itself saves marriages, or rebuilds lost passion in a relationship. However, the reason why this book is very interesting is that the author has collected enough science and research from neurology, zoology, anthropology, and psychology to make a very compelling case that orgasm-centered sexuality creates an undesired neurobiological reaction that is responsible for lost romantic passions. I like that. What she does is essentially put together a lot of puzzle pieces to start a conversation about a topic that hasn't been widely explored.

Currently, I doubt there could be any studies about this, as this sexuality style is so fringe that literally no one has heard about it. But I'm sure in about 10-20 years, if/when it becomes more mainstream, we'll finally get some studies to validate her research... but... until then...

What I didn't like so far... Too Much Spiritual New Age Jargon & Overly Strict Attitude The Author Takes About Karezza

The author's chapter system works in such a way that in between chapters, she includes pieces explaining how the knowledge of Karezza-style sex has been part of many religions, philosophies, and even some long-forgotten psychology practices. Ok, that's cool. But for the rest, I find the talk about "energy exchanges" throughout the book and the inclusion of Yin/Yang system in her intimacy building exercises in the back of the book (her "Ecstatic Exchanges"), really annoying, kinda inappropriate and cringy. Sure, I'm open-minded enough where I can see past that and get to the bigger picture, but still. If you're targeting everyone and trying to have this book pass as research on sexuality and psychology, it's best for the language in this book to stay frank, and scientific.

The other problem I have is that she discourages sexual excitement and arousal during intercourse, even when this advice isn't strongly supported in her book, as her advice against orgasm-centric sex. Many of her "ecstatic exchanges" (intimacy building exercises), are very platonic and actively suppress sexual excitement and arousal as much as possible. To an extent, based on her extensive research, I can get behind this with the Ecstatic Exchanges, but at the same time, she seems to forget (or bypass) that there are other ways to practice Karezza intercourse and that ranges from cuddling while your partner's penis inside of you to "edging" (getting as close to an orgasm as possible without actually orgasming). All the while, partners have still commented on overall improved intimacy and mood. So with that also being said, none of her research has ever concluded or suggested that arousal or sexual excitement causes mood shifts or the "passion cycle". In fact, in many of her chapters, she hints that before the orgasm creates a dopamine crash, your dopamine and other healthy neurochemicals rise during arousal and excitement. So...? Yeah.

I think when some psychologist studies this and writes a follow-up book, 20 years in the future, they are going include more open-ended instructions and a franker straight-forward discussion of the topic. Until then, I'll be patient since she and only a handful of others are pioneering this topic, so there's going to have to be room for some bullsh*t. In a similar way that Greek philosophers pioneered democracy, but also had room for bullsh*t....or how Freud pioneered psychotherapy...and had plenty of bullsh*t to go along with it too...

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IN CONCLUSION, apart from the New Age stuff, words cannot express how much I appreciated this book and hope to one day try this out with an open-minded partner...While I will try a lot of her ecstatic exchanges (the ones that make sense to me), I still want to do this my way. The bigger picture I get from Karezza is that it's pretty open-ended so long as it's bonding-based and lacks an orgasm. ...more "

Apr 03, 2018 07:05PM · see review