“We don't fall in love with people because they're good people. We fall in love with people whose darkness we recognise. You can fall in love with a person for all of the right reasons, but that kind of love can still fall apart. But when you fall in love with a person because your monsters have found a home in them-- that's the kind of love that owns your skin and bones. Love, I am convinced, is found in the darkness. It is the candle in the night.”
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“We were both quiet. No rainbows in the house. This little four-year-old had just articulated the perfect way to think about the mission of our work. Storms will come—they inevitably do. But in the aftermath, there can be something beautiful. But you only get to the rainbow by going through a storm.”
― Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
― Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
“There’s nothing more fulfilling in therapy than watching two people find each other again.”
― 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy
― 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy
“You can have needs and should have needs—without justification! But your responsibility is to communicate them. One of the big reasons conflicts escalate is that we don’t ask for what we need. Instead, we expect our partners to read our minds and magically fulfill our need.”
― Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
― Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
“first Horseman is criticism. If partners regularly use criticism to voice their complaints where one partner blames a problem on the other partner’s character flaws, the relationship will slowly sink. Words like “You never wash the dishes!” or “You’re so selfish” only inspire resentment, not cooperation or care. The second Horseman is contempt. This one leads couples to gallop over a cliff. Partners who are contemptuous act superior and punctuate their criticisms with a sneer, a left lip corner raise, or an eye roll that signifies their superiority and disgust. They may also mock their partner or use sarcasm, like, “Aw, your pinkie hurts? Poor baby. Guess that gets you out of doing the dishes … again.”
― 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy
― 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy
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