Victor Garza

“3. Giving kids a sense of control is the only way to teach them competency—in decision making, and in whatever skill they’re learning. As the adage goes, “Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Kids need to practice making their own decisions before they can do so legally. Telling our children how to make good decisions (or telling them how to do things for themselves) isn’t enough. It’s not enough to show them, either. They need to actually do it. They need practice. They need to experience the natural consequences of their choices, ranging from being uncomfortably cold when they decided not to wear a coat, to getting a bad grade on a test because they decided not to study. We commonly see adolescents and young adults go off to college without having had much of an opportunity to make decisions about the things that matter, including how they want to structure their time, what they want to commit their energy to, or whether they want to be in school at all.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Much of maturity is marked by increased emotional self-regulation. This is when the prefrontal cortex is conscious of what you’re doing and in charge. You can inhibit. But when a kid senses a threat, say, in the form of a stressed or grumpy dad, he doesn’t have a fully developed Pilot to say, “No big deal. The bumps will pass, and we’ll just fly at a different altitude in the meantime.” Instead, he panics. His amygdala takes over. And before you know it, he’s stressed and grumpy, too. If this happens too much, his amygdala becomes larger and even more reactive. In Robert Sapolsky’s words, if stress persists for a long time, the amygdala becomes more and more “hysterical.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“But as we pointed out in Chapter Two, it doesn’t make sense to wait until your children’s brains have fully matured before entrusting them with decisions, or you would be waiting until their late twenties or early thirties. The brain develops according to how it’s used. This means that by encouraging our kids—and requiring our adolescents—to make their own decisions, we are giving them invaluable experience in assessing their own needs honestly, paying attention to their feelings and motivations, weighing pros and cons, and trying to make the best possible decision for themselves. We help them develop a brain that’s used to making hard choices and owning them. This is huge and will pay big future dividends.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

“Often what we think of as a cataclysmic setback is really nothing more than a ripple. Parents tend to worry far into the future, thinking, “If he gets stuck now, he’ll always be behind.” But that’s not true. Most development of children’s brains happens just by getting older. Letting them get stuck every once in a while, while you’re available to help them get out of the ditch, can actually help them grow.”
― William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives