BinYamin

“Sometimes.
I wish , if only you could listen to things that I cannot say!
I wish , you could feel what is in my heart?

I wish , I could tell you that being silent is my way to calm my screaming mind .
If only you could decipher my deepest silences, only then you would hear the loudest screams I have within me.”
― BinYamin Gulzar

“I am so lost in the lost road ,
I chose this on my own ,
I emptied all that I had ,
All that I have left within ,
is emptiness - a void that refuses to fill.

How can I be alone in a room ,filled with a million souls ?
How can I stay hungry after feeding hundreds of homes ?
How ?
Is this the pain of letting go and raising towards transcendence
- Where I leave all my worldly pleasures and seek union with the One ?
-Or is it a bout of lucidity , that I am all by myself , carrying on ,
paying for the sins of others and living "BUT" for myself....
-an everyday stagmata where the pain is so numb, that the the body ceases to exist ?”
― BinYamin Gulzar

“For me not to be insane , I had to be either sedated by my “ happy pill” or be activated by my hyper work mode. These were the only two responses my mind was known to react. Everything in between was a mundane distraction. A numb bliss , that annihilated everything rational that ever existed in my universe.”
― BinYamin Gulzar

“The pain makes you so numb,
At times, you feel as if you are hallucinating,
Seeing things happen to you as if it were happening to someone else like an " out of body experience".

How could life be so cruel?

Is this what perseverance and enduring pain is all about;I ask myself ?
Somehow I have made myself believe that
" jumping off the cliff " or
" drowning myself "
would do nothing to ease this "pain " ! this " numbness "!
Seeing my loved one suffer after I am "gone" , I guess ,will make me more and more anxious ;
Angry "ghosts " don't make good " providers" , I assume.
So I carry on ..
I carry on every day .
It's a weight I have ...
It makes my heart sink to the bottomless pit ,
But
Then again,
a man like me; a giver & a man with no choice has " literally" no choice" but to " live with this hollowed numb"‎!”
― BinYamin Gulzar