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Dave Barry
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!”
― Dave Barry

George Carlin
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

“First, Edwin was a vampire.

Second, he loved me--or at least thought my blood smelled delicious, which, for a vampire, was probably the next best thing.

And third, I would get him to turn me into a vampire too, no matter how much scheming, manipulation, or treachery it required.”
― Harrison Geillor, The Twilight of Lake Woebegotten

Oscar Wilde
“The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Jeff Kinney
“There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.”
― Jeff Kinney, The Last Straw

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