Michael

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.”
― Demetri Martin

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”
― Demetri Martin

“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.”
― Demetri Martin

“To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!”
― Demetri Martin