Phil

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”
― Justin Halpern (Sh*t My Dad Says)

“On Chivalry “Give your mother the front seat…. I don’t give a shit if she said you could have it, that’s what she’s supposed to do, and you’re supposed to say, ‘No, I insist.’ You think I’m gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You’re a crazy son of a bitch.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says