Dani

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”
― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

“It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”
― Chelsea Handler , Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands