Status Updates From 白露春分

无论哪里的山，都让佳月想起秀梅家附近的那些山。山对于她，永远有一点怀旧的意味，越是普通的无名的山，越让她觉得亲切熟悉。后来她去过许多名山，那些高山是要人拜望，要人香火的，不像那些无名的野山坡那么谦逊，和佳圆一口气奔上山顶，下山更是疾跑如风。

天冷之后，秀梅更不出门，母子俩被这漫长冬天锁在一处。不知怎的，连佳月也不再每周过来看望她，墙上挂着的那皇历本，停留在十月份的一个日子，宜出门，宜破土，宜什么她也干不了，甚至连日历都忘记撕。有一次，她叫立民去把那日历撕到今天，立民装作没听见，一动不动。
limin are you ready to die

most striking imagery in this section: jiayuan’s dad locking her outside in the winter when she was in the 6th grade vs. shenmu’s locked office door when she needed him & he was v likely cheating on her vs. qiao zicheng waiting outside her locked door in the rain when they were kids. the grandma’s storyline makes me so depressed. jiayuan & jiayue forever

I HATE THIS LADYS FKING KIDS BRO. and FK YOU TO 彬彬 as well 谁教育出一个这么没教养的孩子！！！！！！！！！！

it's so sad that jiayue feels that on some level jiayuan's abuse at the hands of her ex is her fault but it's made clear that her upbringing/issues w her immediate fam is what distorted her perception (see convo w her normal roommate). she did make an interesting observation that jiayuan is still emotionally trapped/locked w shenmu—she's handed the keys to someone else when she should hold on to those herself.

恐怖故事，藏在平淡甚至压抑的语气中，别人不会懂，只有佳月能懂。她找准了倾吐的对象，让妹妹分担一半，可是痛苦是无法分担的，痛苦在旁观者身上会变质，会成为愧疚。那时候，她和奶奶在海边，清凉的甜甜的椰子水，酷热的晴天，有情似无情的烈日。
“pain cannot be shared; it sublimates in the observer, becomes guilt.”

the most fascinating+sensitive depiction of a sisterly relationship for me since ferrante's mbf. jiayuan & jiayue love each other, hate each other, worry about each other, are against their wills envious of each other; and both girls are whittled down to their current shapes thru constant chafing against each other's sharp edges + their immediate family eg. jiayuan's useless dad, jiayue's stiflingly suspicious mom.

the concept of your dad giving you his porcelain duck bowl 鸳鸯乌 to signal he is moving on with his life (your mom’s matching one was inauspiciously smashed at the start of their marriage), you accidentally break it after an argument w your mom, you painstakingly glue it back together, then your annoying dullard bf who you HATE suggests storing condoms in it. 沈慕 are you ready to die

stated rather baldly: 她不能显出多愁善感，显露出无用的感情，姓陈的这一家子都看不起这种感情。他们以粗豪为乐，以冷漠为常，以多情为耻，佳圆学会了，无论何时都要显得满不在乎，装作若无其事。这有什么大不了的。

有什么大不了的 and it’s witnessing an act of immense cruelty done to a creature you cared for

oh my god wait. 佳圆 saw the neighbor skinning those poor bunnies in the dark while she was going to the outdoor bathroom. but she felt like she couldn’t show any emotion/compassion in front of 秀梅or 佳月 bc that’s not what a 陈 does. and she thinks 佳月 forgot about the bunnies when she was traumatized as well by the aftermath (ofc she doesn’t share this with 佳圆).

她庆幸沈慕出现得及时，不然她真不知道怎么甩开乔子成，他说话的声气，他的目光，他的神情，全指着同一个方向，可是她不想要爱情，她受够了，她想要一个窝，双臂弯成的温暖的贫也好，钢筋水泥的冰冷的贫也好，无论如何，是将她围裹得严严实实，让她闭上眼睛任意玩人的一个笼，沈聚来了，他正好就是。

i always find it so sad and jarring when the narration jumps forward & mentions 秀梅’s eventual passing—the detail about her freezing all the 香椿 she gets from her grandkids and then 小沈 accidentally throwing all of that out after she dies :( 立远 and 立民 are both horrible selfish people also

秀梅打电话过来，说了一些闲话之后，说那条小狗又长大了，长得可快了。小狗长大了，小猫长大了，香椿树抽出嫩芽，杏花开了，她专门打电话给孩子们。看有没有人回家来看看，哪怕是为了小猫小狗也行。

got to 佳圆's pov and her past relationship with her ex is so heartbreaking. her distancing herself from her family because she feels ashamed and embarrassed about leaving him (even though that was the right thing to do!!!!!) + because she wanted to prove her family wrong is so upsetting... also so on brand for her.

so freaked out by the image of the rabbit skins drying out in the trees. 佳圆’s blasé attitude towards the bunnies’ death and her continuing to feed the new bunnies without care for their fate versus 佳月 freaking out and seeing the “impermanence of life in their fluttering 3-bit mouths” (她从那翕动的三瓣嘴里看见无常)… sums up the difference between the two

然而此时此刻，也许他也在同情她呢，一个身体健康，四肢健全，头脑灵活的人竟然有如此多的烦恼，全都是因为她太年轻，太自信，太轻视一切，自以为打开家门就能通往全世界，最终她还是回到这里寻求安慰，却发现秀梅也已老了，躺在床上，一口口吹起坟前的土来。

她毕业后…第一个月的工资，给秀梅和佳月都买了礼物，给秀梅一对金耳环，给佳月一只防水手表。佳月带秀梅去海南，拍的照片里，佳月还戴着那只孩子气的卡通手表，奶奶也戴着那对金葫芦耳环。佳圆在英国的时候，深夜，良晨睡着了，她一个人爬起来，偷偷地打开电脑，翻到这些开心的照片，眼泪几乎掉下来。

im crying: 吃完饭，佳圆把立秋给她带的东西从箱子里拿出来…秀梅最喜欢的还是佳圆给她挑的这件羊绒衫，明亮的蓝色，胸前缀着几簇白梅花。在她活着的最后几年，这件毛衣她每年冬天都要拿出来，天天穿在身上，直到袖子和胸前布满了毛球。她无数次地跟别人讲，这是纯羊绒，百分之百的，孙女给她买的。

那天去顾和园，又成了秀梅记忆中一枚闪亮的图钉。她反反复复地跟街坊念叨，湖上的船，桥下反射夕阳的金光，认不得的字，万年不动的石舫。最后要离开的时候，走到出口，她回头望了一眼游人如织的皇家池苑，仿佛知道这是最后一次了。佳月说，下次再来，秀梅没有说话。

playing in blankets hung to dry: 她撩开一角，左右两分，半弓着身体钻进去，被面有点绸缎的，头面部的，一会儿溜溜的丝滑，一会儿酥酥的粗糙，这头进来，那头出去。出去迎面是杨家的一棵柿子树，晾衣服的铁丝绕在树干上。她转过身， 又钻了进去，黑黝黝的一条通道，风一吹，被角像嘴角一样咧开了，一束阳光。

那时候她们都还小，但佳月已经学会了用树枝驱赶砖墙上的壁虎，对置身桃花之中的情景印象深刻，粉红色的，香香的，花蕊又细又长，像飘动的触手。这些童年回忆总是非常柔软，像一张床，当累了就回去躺一躺。