Status Updates From A Dumb Birds Field Guide to...

"Some experts believe they do this to be the first on the scene of a fire, thus getting the jump on their competition for prey. Sure, or maybe these sick fucks just like to watch the flames before they kill, because that all sounds like the work of a homicidal arsonist to me." (186)

"Yes, you heard me right. This flying pyromaniac is known to pick up burning material from one fire, then take it somewhere else, and drop it into some nice dry grass to burn down some more real estate." (186) what

"They circle the rising smoke, scanning for rodents trying to escape the flames, then swoop down and snatch them up in their talons, just as the victim thinks it’s about to reach safety ... total heartless bastards.
'So what?' you say. 'All raptors are heartless bastards.”
You’re right about that, but M. migrans takes the dickery to a whole new level: They actually start the fires, too." (186)

"Known as the Black Kite, this dark, nondescript, medium-size raptor looks boring, but he is a total psychopath.

They are sometimes referred to as 'Fire Kites' because of their curious habit of always turning up where there is an active wildfire." (171)

"In addition to Shoebill, it has a number of other common names: Shoe-billed Stork, Whalebill, Whale-headed Stork … this bird has never been called a name that doesn’t sound like an insult." (171)

"Woodpecker Notes
Woodpeckers' tongues can measure up to four inches LONGER than the length of their head. It wraps around inside their skulls.
gross
I guess it helps them reach the deepdown bugs?" (155) but also helll no

"I mean, get a load of this feather-eating son-of-a-bitch: Eyes all red, plumage messed up, crazy tufts coming out of its face … anyone can tell this bird has problems just by looking at it." (115) *looks at the drawing of the black-necked grebe* yup, checks out

"Black-necked Grebe, Eared Grebe

 Oh. My. God. This bird eats its own feathers.

Actually, it turns out that all grebes eat their own feathers. I know, right? Why would anyone do that?" (114)

ah, yes. swooping is bad.

"...breeding in the dry shrubsteppe of the Great Plains.

Wait, hold on. We have a shrubsteppe?!" (103) are there shrubsteppe dubstep bands?

"Also, it’s one of only twenty-nine animals that can be legally hunted in Japan, which is confusing because it’s usually frowned upon, if not outright illegal, to shoot your own national bird. Japan is a complicated place." (102)

"In spite of its pretentious plumage, fragile nerves, and apparent uselessness in a fight, the green pheasant is still Japan’s national bird and a beloved character in Japanese folk history." (102)

"Bird Region: Native to Africa, wild ostriches can also be found in Australia, where some escaped captivity and have become feral. Yes, you heard that right: feral ostriches. Goddammit, Australia." (91)

"If you detect a look of stupidity in [an ostrich's] billiard ball–size eyes, it’s probably because each one is larger than its brain." (90-91) well, that is wild

"What the Hell-bird
...Common name: White Bellbird
...
In spite of the monstrosity growing out of its forehead, the thing that makes this bird truly abominable is its excruciating mating call, a piercing metallic ringing sound. Seriously, it’s like Thor’s hammer hitting an anvil, only WAY too loud." (85) was wondering how a bit call could sound metallic, looked up a recording online and was like "oh, like that"

"[Chestnut-winged Cuckoos] lay their eggs primarily in the unattended nests of various species of laughing thrushes and then fly away thinking, 'Who’s laughing now, thrushes?'

If this seems like a dick move, that’s because it is." (43)

Ok but Dr. John Swatson is actually the best cat name I've seen in a while

"HAIKUS
...
Strutting like a king
Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk
Go fuck yourself, goose" (14)

"do recognize that this organizational system is a bit of a departure from most bird guides. So, for that reason, at the end of this book I have also included the traditional geographic bird regions and provided a corresponding index of the birds, for those who need to be reassured that the world is still under control and that everything is going to be okay." (28)