Status Updates From Who Done It?

"Mr. Mildew doesn't have any blood-related offspring that I know of. The women he managed to wrangle, bribe, or trick into a relationship never stuck around long enough to give him children. Most of them now live in a special ward at the hospital. They shuffle around in their nightgowns and make lanyards. One just keeps saying 'nougat' over and over." (414/460) (Jennifer Ziegler)

"You're not even going to interview me just because I'm the size of an average (okay, maybe smaller than average) eleven-year-old? Do you have any idea what eleven-year-olds can do?? Clearly you have forgotten sixth grade entirely." (401/460) (Kiersten White)

"CIA File #JXX-Q7677D [Incident Report]
RATING: CLASSIFIED
RECORDED: [censor bar] 20:15:43 hours
ADMINISTRATING: Agents Samuel L. Jaxton and Alan Rixtman." (250/460) (Barnabas Miller) well done, Miller

"I'm an author, trying to make a living. Let's face it, if it comes down to a moral choice between justice for cheese and selling books, what do you think I'm gonna do?" (234/460) (Sarah Darer Littman)

"but the poet
has the advantage
over the murderer;
the poet can kill
a thousand times
in a thousand
different ways
in a thousand
different poems
without any weapon
beyond a pen

blood
is not nearly
as satisfying
so why
bother
with blood
when you
can use
ink?" (228-229/460) (David Leviathan)

(Michelle Gagnon)

"I'm not in the kind of shape I used to be in, back when I won the JV trophy for hurtling—no, that's not a misspelling, it's 'hurles' with a 't.' Just like hurdling, but instead of jumping over metal you run while throwing things. It is too a real sport. What, you prefer curling?" (158/460)

"My blunders got worse from there ... And I mistook another guy for a pregnant woman." (59/460) Peter Brown, you are not making a good impression as an author

"I was really hoping to make sol new friends, but as usual, my social awkwardness got the best of me. After an hour, the only conversation I'd had was to ask a pregnant woman when she was due.
Turns out she wasn't pregnant. She was a guy." (59/460) see it's funny here because everyone expected you to be fatphobic, but actually you were fatphobic to the wrong gender

"Some examples of his sadistic behavior, in no particular order:
• He enrolled Dave Eggers in True Romance's Book-of-the-Month Club." (X) see, it's funny because romance is torture for real men to read, get it get it *eyeroll*

DNF’d at page 90