Status Updates From My Ass Is Haunted By The Ga...

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"You see, Paulo the unicorn was hoof hearted, much too small for a unicorn of his size. I didn't know at the time, but he only had a few weeks left to live" Incorrect, Mr. Tingle, a horse would make it less than a year in age with a heart that size, and I doubt Paulo was a foal. Average horse heart size is 7.9-8.6 lbs. Largest heart size was 22 lbs.

"I met a beautiful white unicorn named Paulo. He was so handsome, and so good to me I rode around the city on his back all day and in the evenings, Paulo would take me back to his flat and we would make love." I thought unicorns would have more majestic names than Paulo.

The creature looks absolutely regal, sitting atop a horse with the wind blowing through his sparkling unicorn mane. He's wearing a dark uniform and carrying a flag that waves in the wind behind him. Sitting atop a horse when you're already a horse seems awkward.

Finally, I have escaped the kitchen and can read this.

“What’s your name?”  I ask.  “I’m Mario.”
WTH?! Why would you call your mc, MARIO?!

You've just ruined my fave Nintendo character. RUINED!

The unicorn is sitting on a horse.

Colonel Peach in the drawing room with a sparkling mane.

Best set up to a new version of Clue ever!