Status Updates From You Only Need One Kidney, s...

My Super Bowl, my Christmas.

"FUCK ALL OF YOU—ya off-fleek, poor, dirty, uneducated, backward, inbred, moonshinin’, square-dancin’, dusty-hatted, fiddle-sawin’, washboard-scrapin’, cousin-marryin’, siblin’-diddlin’, pig-fuckin’, deformed, teeth-missin’, Deliverance-lookin’, banjo-stringin’, banjo-pluckin’, banjo-strummin’, banjo-fuckin’ HILLJACKIN’ HILLBILLIES!!!!!!!"

I got to thinking about the sad states of my social life and love life. I realized I might benefit from some human company (no offense to corporate ghosts and kidney butlers), perhaps even human company of a romantic nature. All of which is to say I decided to pursue yet another new adventure: online dating.

Because why not?

One night, deep in my cups, bored, and feeling desperate for some conversation with someone other than my kidney butler, I pulled the Ouija board box out of the closet, figured I’d see what the motherflippin’ ghost of Blockbuster Video was up to.

Late in the morning, I woke from a nightmare in which I was being chased in a cornfield by Freddy, Jason, Chucky, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Pinhead, Alien, Predator, The Thing from John Carpenter’s The Thing, Candyman, fully Pazuzu-possessed Regan from The Exorcist, Mothman, Bughuul from Sinister, Leprechaun in the Hood, and Mike Tyson.

“Jus’ how well ya lookin’ to play that banjo, boy?”

“I want straight-up, col’-blooded, freak-nasty banjo skills—I wanna be able to SMOKE on this dang thing. I wanna be able to MELT MOTHERFUCKERS’ FACES OFF, G.”

“First off, ye evah call me ‘G’ again, I’ll take that banjo, swing it like I was Barry Bonds on the juice, knock your inbred whiteboy head up into the stratosphere."

“I…I just met the ghost.”
“Oh, yeah? We’re ya scared?”
“Scared? Me? No, of course not.”
“Then why’d ya shit yer pants? ’Cause I can smell ya from here.”

A fictional character from a movie based on a fictional novel. How does one become a fictional character? One just doesn’t, right?

Throughout my unhappy childhood, miserable adolescence, and depressing early adulthood, my desire to become the inbred banjo boy from the 1972 movie Deliverance never weakened.