Status Updates From Reclaiming Hope: Overcoming...

“And it’s a good practice for me, to think about what I love about being a mother and to say those things out loud. It heals my heart too, like remembering the WHY—pausing to focus on the things I love about this role that tries me to my core.”

“You finally find what motivates them, and it lasts two weeks. Or you put in a ton of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears, day after day, year after year—and then one trigger seems to unravel it all. It can take a long time to get our kids into a good space—but it can take a moment to undo it.”

“When our adopted kids started to talk back, we cheered in private (and nipped it in the bud in public). We cheered because they’d never trusted us enough to talk back, never trusted that our lives together would go on, that we’d stay their parents and they’d stay our kids. Do I love the back-talking? No way! Except that it shows progress.”

“He warns that as parents of children of trauma, we should not care more about our child’s problems than they do. Typically, these kids will find themselves quite content to let us do the stressing and worrying over their decision, while they continue making the poor choices. He reminds us that we cannot make our children better or successful. They need to do the work of growing.”

“We learned to respond to his button-pushing with a calm demeanor, lowered voices (when I wanted to yell, I’d lower my voice to a whisper instead), and utilizing some techniques to get his blood flowing again—like drinking a glass of water, going for a bike ride, or a moment of physical touch.”

“A traumatized child’s brain tells them that every minor incident is a life-threatening occasion. Hence the public meltdowns, the explosive (and sometimes destructive) tantrums, the physical attacks on us… all because you said “no” to the candy bar. They have literally lost the ability to distinguish between a true threat and an unfavorable response.”

“...Children can become addicted to the adrenaline of the fight, flight, or freeze rush. When this happens, they subconsciously do what they can to get you to trigger that adrenaline rush. Every time we yell or lose control of our own emotions in front of them, we push that button and they get a fix. And like any drug addiction, these kids need to be weaned off (or cut off) from this constant flow of adrenaline.”

“Our adopted and foster kids, however, often lack the continuity of life to observe these important skills. In the coming and going of a foster child’s life, the learning of social behavior is disrupted. They are often socially awkward because they haven’t had a chance to develop these skills by maintaining friendships for any length of time.”

“You have a right to contact your child’s attorney (if they have one) and get them to listen to you. If your social worker isn’t sufficient for what your child needs, go to their supervisor.”