Status Updates From The Mindful Couple: How Acc...

When we’re disappointed by a partner, it’s easy to point to a negative characteristic as the problem. See if you can discover a different way to reconcile your partner’s many dimensions.

Make a list of qualities you appreciate in your partner and consider to be assets. For example, your list might include “honest,” “trustworthy,” and “funny.” Now make a list of qualities that bother you, such as “stubborn” or “forgetful.” Jot down as many as you can in both categories. Now examine both lists carefully, looking for positive and negative qualities that might go hand in hand.

it’s important not to let yourself off the hook in this kind of situation but instead to take ownership of your own stuff.

finding a balance between self-rigor and self-acceptance.

Acceptance, however, is not about resignation. It’s far more intentional than that. When you actively choose to welcome in, you’re both aware that you are choosing and also aware that you could shut the door. No one is making you do this. Just as you choose, moment by moment, whether or not to remain in a relationship, so do you choose to favorably receive your partner in his or her entirety.

When you decided to enter into a relationship, you extended an invitation to your partner to come in. That means all of him or her, not just the parts you approved of and know about. Imagine if the process of dating involved your date showing up with a detailed list of all his or her various attributes, quirks, and problematic behaviors.

Acceptance can be defined as a “mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true.” It also can be defined as “the act of accepting with approval.” In relationships, the first definition is easier to pursue.

• Wipe the whiskers out of the sink instead of complaining.
• Leave a chocolate kiss on his or her pillow and don’t talk about it.
• Set the trash out without being asked.
• Give an unsolicited shoulder rub. • Say, “I love you.”
• Give a compliment, even if you don’t feel like it.

It doesn’t matter if you reach a grand experience of love, you and your partner can always find more ways to be loving to each other.

we’re asking you to be loving in your relationship, to engage with your partner and to intend for your love to be known. You might ask yourself daily, “How can I be loving today with my partner?” Or when you’re upset, slow down and ask, “What’s the loving thing to do right now?” Set the intention of love squarely before you and bring it to life.

remember that “the smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” Regular acts of kindness— even as small as saying “I appreciate that you did that for me,” letting your partner sleep in an extra ten minutes, or scraping your partner’s windshield on a cold morning—are cornerstones of connection. Be liberal in your giving of kindness!

• Feel your partner’s hand as you hold it on a walk.
• Learn about one of your partner’s hobbies; do it with sincerity.
• Spend a small amount of money on something your partner would really like.
• Ask what you can do, and mean it.

• Listen to your partner mindfully; hear every word, every laugh.
• Be aware of your partner’s physical presence; appreciate his or her being.
• Notice your partner’s body; be thankful you’re aging together.
• Pay attention to the cute things your partner does.
• Ask your partner about something he or she is interested in, and then listen to the response.
• Lie together in awareness.

Only through practicing acts of faithfulness can you grow and allow intimacy to be present through both the good and bad times.

Second, always remember that actions are separate from feelings and thoughts. You can always act faithfully, regardless of the temptation. Remaining steadfast, like an old oak tree, in your commitments to yourself and others is a legacy worth pursuing. Without faithfulness, you will not be able to deepen your relationships, because it’s easy to leave a partnership when things get tough or confusing.

First, allow the thoughts and feelings to come and go just like a bee buzzing nearby. If you swat it and run, the bee will get agitated and pursue you. If you just let it be, it will go away on its own. Take caution, however: this is not an invitation to let the bee move in and make honey. Actively entertaining those thoughts and feelings is not the same as letting them come and go.

The second way to start living with integrity involves responsibility. This doesn’t mean ascribing fault or blame. Rather, it means recognizing that you’re a fully capable being who’s “able to respond” in any situation in a way that’s consistent with your values. You always have options. If the choices you make are wholly in line with your values, then you’re living with integrity.

Allow yourself a moment to think before you speak or a moment to be clear about an action you’re about to take. This is especially important when your integrity is being tested. Be mindful of your emotions and careful not to let thoughts such as “Well, just this one time” lure you away from your values.

Of course, being aware on a regular basis can be difficult. Sometimes when you listen to your heart’s voice, it can seem to be giving conflicting directions. In these cases, remember that you’re focusing on a lifelong process, not an immediate outcome. If you choose integrity as a value, you will always be working toward it. You can build your awareness muscle by slowing down.

■ Practice discovering yourself, including your likes and dislikes. ■ Share yourself. ■ Be aware that if you stick to your true sense of self, disagreements are sure to arise. ■ Look for the intimacy inside authenticity; you will quite likely find it there. ■ Be true to your being.

Authenticity not only eases the pain and difficulty sometimes found in relationships, but ultimately may prevent them.

5. Contacting a larger sense of self that holds your thoughts, emotions, and other internal experiences, a perspective called self-as-context.
6. Building increasingly larger patterns of behaving and taking actions that bring values to life, which is committed action.

1. Identifying what matters most to you, or your personal values.
2. Fostering acceptance of yourself and others.
3. Changing your fused relationship with the mind, which is defusion.
4. Contacting more fully the ongoing flow of experience as it occurs, or living more fully in the present moment.

Good relationships aren’t about being happy. They’re about vitality and about manifesting life to its fullest within the relationship. This manifestation can mean so many things. It can mean you and your partner will feel anxiety, pain, sadness, or fear. And it can mean you and your partner will feel joy, love, safety, pleasure, and, yes, even happiness.

Accepting avoided experiences means remaining fully open and willing to feel, think, and sense whatever you are feeling, thinking, and sensing. Taking regular action with respect to your personal values involves choosing to create a life consistent with what matters to you.