Status Updates From A Double Dose of Dilaudid (...

In Case You Didn't Know:

If you experienced flank pain yesterday, but you woke up today and felt fine, you're not really making any friends by coming to the ER and using this as your chief complaint when we have a line of people waiting to be seen trailing out the door.

Real Chief Complaint from a Teenage Patient at the Registration Desk:

“I feel sick when I smoke, so I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.”

Tests confirmed she was.

Her main concern: “Can you give me something so I can still smoke without puking?”

A husband trying to get out of going out on a date night with his wife decided to intentionally aim a nail gun at his hand and shoot. It certainly worked to get him out of the date. The six-inch-long nail went straight through the patient's thumbnail and was sticking out the other side.

(Cont in comments)

Triage Nurse: “Have you been out of the United States in the last six months?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Triage Nurse: “Okay, can you tell me where you traveled?”

Patient: “Well, we had to go to New Mexico for my wife's aunt's funeral.”

Geography is hard.

Helpful Hint:

If we tell you to sit in a wheelchair, stop arguing and just do it. I can't lift 300 pounds off the floor, and it's a lot quicker to get you to the back if we don't have to get a crew of lifters to the lobby in the middle of a busy shift.
----

Yup. They don’t got Wonder Woman or Jean Grey on standby

Seriously?

Please, please, PLEASE come to the ER at 4 a.m. because your anti-psychotic medication is causing you to experience erectile dysfunction. Yes, we know you 'only decided to come to the ER because [your] wife is so mad at you for not being able to climax after an hour and a half. Thanks for explaining that after you've asked three staff members to have sex with you.
----

Oy to the vey

Helpful Hint:

Take your shirt off before you iron it if you don't want to end up explaining how you sustained second-degree burns on your chest.

Friendly Reminder...

If you like going through life with five fingers on each hand, remember it's generally not a good idea to use power tools and alcohol at the same time.

Working in this department is dangerous. It's easy to forget this because so many people are focused on fact that Emergency Rooms are where you go to get help. But registration clerks make first contact with all patients and if shooters come in, we're likely to be the first to die. Several employees enter rooms alone with violent or handsy patients. Some patients or family members don't take the final diagnosis or

Everyone should have an emergency contact at all times. If this isn't possible, keep a regularly-updated record of health someplace first responders will see it if they have to break in your house and pick you up off your floor. Have a friend or family member you can trust in case you're admitted and won't be home for a few days,

(Cont in comments)

People die. It's a truth we all know, but it doesn't get any easier when you've spent six minutes compressing someone's chest and being dragged away by a coworker because you can't accept that it's impossible to save everyone. Life is short. Life is not promised. A man walked in one night and said he had chest pain. He even joked with registration while he was waiting for a nurse to take him back.

(In comments)

A drunk man came to the desk and said he had been bitten by radioactive spiders. He asked if he should have brought them with him, to which I wanted to laugh and nod, but I didn't because we were slammed and all the people behind the man were getting impatient.

(Cont in comments)

After a slew of tests confirmed their son was allergic to the new puppy waiting in their car, a couple left the ER and tossed the puppy out of the car. He wandered around the parking lot until one of my coworkers clocked out and took him home.

Poor thing 😢 Those friggin a**holes 🤬... they could have waited till a shelter opened!

They don’t deserve any animals.

The lobby was full, with some people touching shoulder to shoulder, waiting to be registered and sent to the waiting room with the other 50 patients waiting to be seen. I was not only waiting on the patient in front of me to sign the consent form and fish for her ID, but I was also working on a floor transfer, as well as taking information over the phone so I could transfer another patient as soon (Cont in comments)

I would estimate that a good 98% of patients love to talk about themselves. Sometimes it's hard to leave a room because a patient simply won't stop talking. It reminds me of talking on the phone with my grandmother. Though it could be 12:30 when she says she's getting off the phone, she quickly remembers something else to talk about, and the next thing I know is it's 3:00.

Sounds like me and Jessie haha

If you're prone to tripping and “accidentally” getting soda cans, candles, vibrators, or hairbrush handles stuck in your s*xual orifices, you should probably keep these items off the floor.
-----

“I'm going outside to smoke. Can you come get me when they call my name?” –A patient with a complaint of 'shortness of breath' and 'coughing.'

The phone rang one busy evening and I answered.

“Emergency Room.”

“Hi, yes. Can you tell me what your hours are?”

I hesitated. “Is this a serious call?”

“Uh, yes. I cut my arm pretty bad but I don't know if I can make it before you close. What are your hours?”

(Cont in comments)

The first time I was in the ER when a patient died, it made me stop and think about how quickly life can change.

👍🏻