Status Updates From Life Sucks After You Die (T...

“The dick? The wang, the chub, the Mr. Happy…”
“I know what a penis is,” I said. “Why would I want his?” Obviously, had I wanted it to begin with, I wouldn’t have killed the guy.“
Lots of women I help in these situations keep the penis, I don’t always ask what for, but I know they do different things with them. Chop them up and put them in stew, tack them to a dartboard, mail them to the wives, keep it as a trophy”

“There are no words to describe what it’s like to have nearly been killed, then turned into some freak because two grown men want to toy with each other like children and don’t care if innocent people get hurt in the process. And why won’t Rider say how old he is anyway? Why is he so cagey about it? He’s such a child.”

“Of course I didn’t want to sleep with that gerbil-looking troll. Why else do you think I was trying so hard to get drunk? Can we get back to the important part of what I said? He was there to kill me? I wasn’t even a succubus or a vampire. I was just a freaking person.”

“I don’t think I like the way that big, blond Fabio wannabe had his eye on you. You’re my special talent.”

Oh god it gets worse! She’s so pick me

Oh god this is so bad but I’ve paid for it so I’ll listen and hope it gets better