Status Updates From Hoodwinked

So… On a whim, looked up the uncredited illustrator whose signature is in the OIL PAINTED COVER ART (!!!) and learned Joe DiCesare also made “Photorealistic texture maps for the film Star Wars: Episode I” and for SHREK, Polar Express, and other Imageworks movies. Did I mention he works at DREAMWORKS?! WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!

“I don’t want to marry you, even though you expressly want it. I don’t care about your religious views on premarital sex. I’m touching you when you said not to. And now I’ve got a pregnancy fetish.” I might barf and pass out.

I have mixed feelings about going through puberty with internet access, but Im glad I didn’t end up with some jerk mansplaining sec to me in my 20s.

Sooo… You’re you g to get pissed in the middle of making out, accuse her of trying to trap you, and then say you’ll pick her up tonight? You’ve got to be a shmuck.

She told you it was too soon and you kept taking her clothes off. I read this in middle school!

Unplanned sex never happens when you’re lounging around in silk underwear. It happens when you’re wearing the underwear you should Probably Throw Away.

I’ve never lived in a duplex, but apparently part of the appeal is the high or hearing you wake up screaming and him running over to comfort you by grinding on you. Was pepper spray invented in 1989?

Pro tip, Maureen: when a dude shows up at your house in the middle of the night and yells at you to let him in, I don’t care how hot he is- call the cops.

It’s like Gift of the Magi if nobody cared about each other and everyone involved was stupid. “I thought *YOU* were the spy!”
“I thought *YOU* were the spy!”

“Why don’t you answer your phone when I call you at eleven at night knowing you work day shift?” I dated a guy who bitched at me for not answering his calls. He was a nightmare.

So she’s a secretary who thinks she’s dating the mechanic sabotaging the company project. He’s the CEO in disguise trying to find out if she or her direct boss are sabotaging it. And they’re falling in love.

Maureen is taking dictation to type for her boss. When I was in high school I took a class called College Notetaking that was a secretarial skills class loosely rebranded. It was about taking ford for word dictation in SuperWrite, which is based on shorthand.

A man who “got his own way” in an adolescent fight with his parents. Run, girl.

I’d literally barf if a man called me “Little One.” Why did I like this book so much in high school?

“Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief.” “You are not the main character and she is likable, just dumb.”

Time to change into my plain, simple, unattractive-girl-going-out clothes of a white sundress with a white ribbon in my long dark hair and spike heels.

“I’m sick of your complaining, let’s go on a date.” Has the same vibe as the guy kissing the woman while she’s yelling at him trope.

He shows up to *your* house, scolds you for gardening without gloves, and tells you if you make coffee it needs to be “good coffee?” Girl, throw the whole man out.

“Where do you go on Sunday mornings?” If my neighbor asked me this I think I’d tell him I was at NRA meetings.

“She wasn’t much to look at, but she had a figure that was disturbing.” Barf.

So Maureen is super broke but maintains a PO box so she doesn’t have to put out a mail box.

“My parents were a physics professor and a high school English teacher. I have no friends.”