Status Updates From Heritage (The Sky Jewel Leg...

Fast pace shenanigans

1. “…embodiment of the sorcerer… extension of himself” not themselves. Again, you can’t go from a singular to a plural.
2. “…turned back into her ghoulishly radiant female form…” Human. Human form. She’s female even as a bat, that doesn’t go away.

1. The plural of pegasus is pegasi.
2. Jen can recognize the scent of Indian gooseberries?
3. James Bond is English, enchante is French. A better comparison would have been Dartanian, or Inspector Clouseau.

Oof okay so the writing is a bit rough, could have benefitted from a professional editor. Just some writing and grammar errors, clunky sentence structure at times. There should probably be a little more “show don’t tell,” and Jan discovering her “omnimancy” should have been revealed by discovery rather than just telling the reader. She should have discovered her powers with practice or by accident.

The mentor’s behavior is strange.

"Jen instinctively shied away from the unwanted attention—but something inside smothered her fear, making her stand up a little straighter and face the onlookers with confidence."

If she's standing up straighter, she's not shying away! Literally! FFS, it's all like that!

Ok, it's almost over.

“Goooooooooooood . . .” Draconex whispered, letting the word drag out until he ran out of breath."

This is the most important minion again. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would look and sound in reality?

I'm starting to think it's ridiculous on purpose, because it doesn't make sense otherwise.

“That chair is reserved for the Light Bringer of Merlin’s prophecy.” Jen was quiet for a moment. “I wish we could know who he or she is.”

Calling a second thing, this heralded hero will be MC. 1000000%

“Hey,” Jen said, sitting up straighter. “Don’t hate the sorceress, hate the magic.” “Oh, that’s good.” Gavin snickered."

Is it, is it really?

Anyway, calling it now, the amnesiac is her father, the cat is related to him and might be her mother.

"He was not about to give up, and neither was Skarmor, so they pursued Draconex until dawn broke over the mountainside and gave shadows to the cluttered trees in the forest below."

This is the level of feeling and telling instead of showing of our big chase scene.
I already know my rating, but I'm debating whether to give an indie a 2 star or be kind and omit rating. What would you do?

“I am Lord Draconex. Big fan.”

Why would the most important minion of our big bad, who 99% won't be active in this book, say lines as cheesy as this one? This is him speaking to the MC.
He may well be, but I'm not a fan. I wasn't scared or creeped out by him, he's quite generic, but now I'm actively cringing.

“They already know that you are an omnimancer, so don’t be afraid to hold back."

Setting aside the names, 🤐, shouldn't she be ready to NOT hold back?
This doesn't make sense.
I was hoping I'd be supporting an indie author, instead I'm suffering through the book.

"Malcolm could only see the tip of Draconex’s nose, the only part of his face that was not enveloped in a shadow-filled abyss from the hood resting upon his head."

I'm sorry, but I'm 100% picturing Pinocchio and his long nose hidden under the hood.
That would at least make it fun.