Status Updates From Empress Theresa

372 Pages We'll Never Get Back, reading assignment #1

Grandpa, no! Middle aged men, do (and I cannot stress this enough) not write first-person perspective for a teenage girl.

This book, aside from the "Grandpa, no" stuff, and the Mary Sue aspect of the main character, is a manifesto. Too bad Kindle doesn't have a Time New Manifesto font.

"Steve smiled. 'I knew you wouldn’t like [moving Israel]. Plan B is Theresa can raise an island for you out of the ocean floor.'
He pulled out a crude drawing of an island. It was in the shape of the Star of David."
And then Israel agrees to Plan B. Then again, Steve says that everyone who stays will die, so...
Anyway, Theresa is now playing God whenever and however she wants with no regard for peoples' lives.

Good Girl Theresa is now harassing lawyers (preventing them from using any transportation) for just doing their job. Nice work.

"So! I could do anything I wanted to anybody and nobody would dare do anything about it! I kind of liked that."
JESUS CHRIST THERESA ARE YOU A GOOD PERSON OR NOT. I'd say this is an attempt at a reverse character arc but I know how this ends (hint: she's still the most perfect person ever)

So Steve had six liter-size mugs of German beer with "twice as much alcohol as American beer" and is somehow still standing...

"It was nice that I wouldn’t have to kill half a billion Asians. So much for that problem." girl did you have to phrase it like THAT---

So you brought MILLIONS OF TONS of gold and silver onto Earth and said it would BENEFIT the economy??? That's not how this...that's not how this works!

Its time has come!!!

"'Everybody you see on television is there because they wanted to be. Movie stars, singers, dancers, politicians, reporters, they all wanted to get on television. They want the attention. I don’t.'
'Why are you here?' somebody asked."
Guy's so real for that, honestly. Yeah, why are you here, Theresa, accusing EVERYONE on TV of being attention snobs and saying you don't want it despite CHOOSING to speak to Parliament

"I got the idea when Steve mentioned that gravity doesn’t pull things down. Rather, it pushed things down from above."
What.
"The weather service said the rain would amount to a quarter inch a day which was nearly a hundred inches a year. That was enough to grow any kind of crop."
But what about the crops that don't need that much water?

Constant rain? Constant summer? Do you know nothing about agriculture???

Paris?! You have limited time to figure out how to save the world and you decide to take a vacation to Paris???

In other news, local girl doesn't seem to know what reservations or dress codes are and is wondering why people are staring at her..

One chapter in and I know this one is going to be a slog.

"'For some it was Napoleon, for others Lenin, Hitler, or Senator McCarthy. Now we look at Theresa Hartley.'"
Hey Norman um maybe let's not compare your main character to Hitler?

"'Who are those people?' Steve asked.
'I'm not sure. I think they live here.'"
Y'all I just can't--