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"Look into a baby's eyes and you'll see nothing but sincerity. I believe our children, whatever their age, deserve nothing less from us. Distraction is not sincere on the part of the parent and it is manipulative. It can also be an insult to a child's intelligence."

michael corleone????

"Distraction is a tactic favoured by parents to divert children from having whatever experience they may be having. It's commonly used, but it's rarely appropriate.

That's because distraction is a trick and, in the long term, being manipulated will not help your child develop a capacity for happiness."

whoa!

"--- having to hide how we really feel, not having our thoughts and feelings accepted as they occur, these types of dynamics can put a brake on developing our aptitude for intimacy and our capacity for happiness."

"The way we learn to relate to our parents and siblings is habit-forming, a blueprint for all our later relationships. If we get into a groove of having to be right, having to be the best, having to have material things, ---"

"When you are wishing for your child's happiness, despite what the gods of consumerism have drilled into our skulls,

this is probably not about having stuff. Nor is it about being the cleverest, the richest, the tallest, or the shiniest, or anything else.

It is about the quality of their relationships."

cataaaaaat

This is a truth that should be universally acknowledged: when you try to block out a 'negative' feeling, you remove positive feelings too. As therapist Jerry Hyde says, 'Emotions don't have a mixing board — they just have a master volume. You can't fade out sadness and pain and fade up happiness and joy. You turn one down, they all go down.'

"--- There are no advertisements showing ordinary-looking people working through their demons, learning to accept inevitable pain and finding their spontaneity and joy in that way."

another example of how the talks of parenting in this book intersect with so many things outside being a parent itself alias bisa banget nic bagian ini w patrikan sehari-hari wkwk

"We can be unconsciously led astray by pictures of smiling, laughing, attractive people amid wonderful architecture, gleaming cars and beautiful objects, and such images condition us to assume, without putting anything into words, that this is what we want. ---"

"People often have goals in life and assume attaining these goals will make them 'happy'. Sometimes they may, but often our assumptions about what will make for a satisfying life are wrong."

jangan terlalu yg diiniiniin banget gilaaa (alias gw banget tuh)

"Parents tend to take it for granted that what they think would make them happy will make their children happy, but this isn't necessarily the case — as you have most likely found out.

You may feel like a failure if your child seems unhappy and rather than feeling such an uncomfortable feeling, you may, like my father, have tried to scold your children into happiness."

happens

"The more fully you accept and love your child no matter what their experience is and how they feel about it, the more capacity for happiness they will have."

❤️

"Telling a child they are being silly about anything will close down communications from them to you, and that might be a dangerous thing to do."

cataaaaaaat

"--- And if some icky things are dismissed as irrelevant by you, your child is likely to feel it is not worth the humiliation of sharing any more of them."

serem. naudzubillah.

"You want to be the person your child can talk to.

If you tell them they are being silly to complain when Granny made them a nice lentil stew, they may feel they can't tell you when the creepy piano teacher puts his hand on their leg.

The difference between those two things is loud and clear to us but to a child they are both filed under 'something icky'. ---"

"What's important is to keep the lines of communication open. If you dismiss your child by telling them they're being silly, they learn not only to clam up on the 'silly' communications but also those you wouldn't consider silly."

!!!!!

"Denying unhappiness doesn't make it go away, it just digs it in a layer deeper."

"As I will keep emphasizing throughout this book, none of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. It is not the mistakes that matter so much, it's how we put them right.

The ruptures that cause problems in our relationships with our children and their mental health are only a problem if they are not repaired."

"--- By doing this, their feelings start to work for them, rather than them being at the mercy of the feelings. When your child expresses feelings it can help to order and make sense of them if you put them into words or pictures."

"It's also important to be in the habit of talking about feelings, both yours and your child's. As children mature, the logical part of the brain becomes more dominant. It's not that they become solely logical — human beings will always be emotional — but they can learn to use pictures, drawing and language to talk about and understand how they feel. ---"

"--- Stick with the philosophy of soothing the tears, feeling with rather than dealing with. If you take a child's feelings seriously and soothe them when they need it, they will gradually learn to internalize that soothing and eventually become able to do it for themselves."

"When we tell our children off for feeling bad we are giving them two things to cry about: the thing they were originally sad about and, in addition, they now feel bad because their parent is cross and they still feel sad. ---"

"--- Your eight-year-old might say: 'I don't want to go to school.'

Replying 'You are going, and that's that' is something that can easily come out of your mouth when you're in a rush and have your own agenda to worry about.

But saying 'You really hate school right now, don't you?' is easier for your child to hear. It opens up the dialogue rather than shutting it down."

ilmu lagi aje

"But as much as I hate 'tips' and 'life hacks', if there is one big hack, it is this: do not get into a battle about what a child is feeling. ---"

"Feelings and instincts are closely linked, and if we deny how a child feels we are in danger of dulling their instincts. And a child's instincts make them safer."

nyambung ama yang tadi, something about reacting to children with pretension will (also) dull their instincts...

"This is what a child needs: for a parent to be a container for their emotions.

This means you are alongside them and know and accept what they feel but you are not being overwhelmed by their feelings. This is one of the things psychotherapists do for their clients."

"Containing means that you can acknowledge and validate all your feelings. If you can do this for yourself, you'II find it natural to do this for your child as well.

You can take a feeling seriously without overreacting and remain contained and optimistic.

You might say, 'Oh dear, you are unhappy. Would you like a cuddle? Come to me, then. There we are, I'm going to hold you until you feel better.'"