Status Updates From The Years of Forgetting

had to stop and take a break because it’s triggering as hell

"Like many survivors, I didn't want to be identified solely as a survivor of child sexual abuse. It is one of my many identities but it does not define who I am. I am a woman, a daughter, a friend, a child rights activist and many more. My pain does not become me."

"It still rankles me that my culture forbids our talking openly about sexual abuse - or any abuse, for that matter. If the walls could be torn down and the perpetrators brought out of the woodwork instead of being protected by one's own family members, perhaps those of us who have been abused would have had a better stab at growing up, at living."

"I think back of my life here thus far - whenever I have healed sufficiently, whether or not I love myself enough. I wish I was not a survivor. I wish I had had a different childhood, but this was not to be. I think it is time to move on. I have spent enough time in this country. And it has given me enough life lessons - one of which is to welcome the rains, for the rainbows that will come."

"There are many ways to find resolution to make peace with what has happened to you. For some survivors, this may include forgiving the abuser. For others, it does not. You have the right to your own feelings and to decide for yourself. It happened to you. No one else has the right to decide for you. Forgive yourself first. The rest will follow."

"Your friends and family may urge you to 'forgive and forget', thinking that this is the best for you, not realising that you need to pace your own healing. Trying to force forgiveness may backfire on you if you are not ready or willing: you may instead turn your anger inward and could, in the worst case scenario, succumb to negative thoughts to depression."

"There are no excuses for child sexual abuse. While abusers may have themselves been abused as children, this is no justification for abusing others."

"to make peace with your past, you must first - above all else - forgive yourself. You must recognise that you did all you could in order to survive. You were not at fault. You are not to be blamed that you could not protect yourself; you were a mere child. You are not to be blamed that you needed love and attention. All children do. You are not to be blamed that you felt pleasure and/or enjoyed the attention."

"To be the detritus of memories, flotsam. Washed up on someone's shore. Your story will inspire others, lend them courage to be a lionheart. We are no mere flotsam. Our stories sing to those who will listen. Speak your truth."

"I hardly remember when my abuse started or when it ended. I suppose it matters little now. The most important thing is that my mother and I recognise that it happened. And that we have taken steps so that it will not occur in my family again."

" It will take years to undo the early-learned negative behaviour, and to learn to respect and love oneself again. It will require work. There are no right and wrong ways to heal; it takes time to discover what will work and what will not. Conventional therapy did not cut it for me; it was rock climbing that helped me stop dissociating. Healing is possible."

"When I become a mother, if I ever become a mother, I vow not to hold my child hostage in such a manner. Let them learn to stumble, find their own freedom, their own path in life. I shall withhold judgement, and be there for them. In the name of love."

"I deserve to be loved - and it needn't be romantic love. I hunger for unconditional love - something I felt I didn't have, growing up. Survivors like me routinely seek others' approval. I needed to process that, and keep that separate from any romantic notions."

"I no longer ask why things happen when they did. I have grown to accept what I cannot change, not in resigned fashion, but in understanding that good things can come out of this. Our scars and our pain can help others heal. I may be the fool now, for being optimistic and happy. But let me be that fool. For at least, I am not content."

"As I learnt to heal, I was taught to see myself as that ten-year-old again. I was no Lolita; a ten-year-old could not have seduced a grown man. I was not to blame myself. I can say goodbye to that child now and tell her that I had protected her long enough. It is time for me, my adult self, now. "

"Child sexual abuse is often so traumatic that child victims dissociate while the abuse is taking place."

"I was incredibly lonely, I felt singled out, different, because of my abuse. I feared that people would leave me if they knew my secret. I felt that I did not deserve love - that only God could understand me and be there for me."

"We know how healing it is to forgive and to move on. I do not understand why I need to punish them. Truth to be told, the only one I am punishing is myself."

"How ironic that I can forgive him and not my own parents, but I suppose the extent to which one is prepared to forgive would correlate to how close one is to the one who needs to be forgiven."

"In my nightmares, that bathroom is a yawning, gaping monster. I would be running desperate to get away. The floor would rise and I would slide into its jaws. My grandfather was never in my dreams, but I felt his presence all the same."

"I do love her so. I understand her pain. But I do wish that she would understand mine."

"It was a bliss. At least it was, until the abuse began."