Status Updates From Mort (Kiekkomaailma, #4)

”’That’s the sort of thing you wizard fellows are supposed to be good at, isn’t it?’ said the Chancellor, as crusty as a week-old loaf. ‘Flashes and bangs and whatnot. I remember a wizard when I was a lad —‘
‘I’m afraid I dont know anything about fireworks,’ said Cutwell, in tones designed to convey that he cherished this ignorance.”

”It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.”

”I MEAN, WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO? WHERES THE SENSE IN IT ALL? WHAT IS IT REALLY ALL ABOUT?
‘Can’t say, my friend. I expect you’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep.’
SLEEP? SLEEP? I NEVER SLEEP. IM WOSSNAME, PROVERBIAL FOR IT.
‘Everyone needs their sleep. Even me,’ he hinted.
THEY ALL HATE ME, YOU KNOW.”

’Then Cutwell sighted carefully and shot Mort in the back.’
lmao why

’I had the town criers out during the daytime, Cutwell continued. I thought that if people could come to believe in her, then this new reality could become the real one.’

”’What did you call me?’ Mort hissed.
The doorknocker thought quickly. ‘Fir?’ it said.
‘What did you ask me to do?’
‘Unftick me?’
‘I don’t intend to.’
‘Fine,’ said the doorknocker, ‘fine. Thats okay by me. I’ll just ftick around, then.’”

“‘how old do you think I am?’
‘Fifteen?’ he hazarded.
‘I’m sixteen,’ she wailed. ‘And do you know how long Ive been sixteen for?’
[…] ‘I’ve been sixteen for thirty-five years.’”

“‘Pick a card. Any card.’
‘It’s Death,’ said Keli.
‘Ah. Well. Of course, the Death card doesnt actually mean death in all circumstances,’ Cutwell said quickly.
‘You mean, it doesnt mean death in those circumstances where the subject is getting over-excited and youre too embarrassed to tell the truth, hmm?’
‘Look, take another card.’
‘This one’s Death as well,’ said Keli.”

“‘Does it mean Im dead, or doesnt it?’
‘It means you ought to be dead,’ he said, ‘according to fate or whatever. I havent really studied the theory.’
‘And you should have killed me?’
‘No! I mean, no, the assassin should have killed you. I did try to explain all that,’ said Mort.”