Kaylee > Recent Status Updates

While Maria’s introduction gave vibes of young Addie La Rue, Alice is so similar to me in places that I feel a little called out. Her insecurity, her introversion, her social anxiety, her awkwardness, her longing to be different, her history of being told there’s something wrong with the way she operates in life.
I like the early crossover with one of the other leads, & damn, Lottie would seduce me too.

I know it’s 16th century Spain & women were seen as little more than chattel then, but, damn, Maria’s family sucks! Especially her older brother & his smug ass selling his disobedient sister to the highest bidder. I can’t wait for her to encounter the widow again, because I highly doubt her marriage is going to be the escape she believes it will be.

With the way she writes her early love story with Jonas, damn, I think I’m in love with him too!
But, seriously, they are a ridiculously cute couple. Every snippet she reveals about their relationship makes me melt a little. You can feel how much she loves him by the way she describes him & their interactions.
He seems to have understood her from the very beginning & knew he wanted to be with her.

The entire “can I kiss you?” exchange (p. 224-225) is how consent is done, everyone! Asking for consent while giving the person space to answer honestly. Making them feel safe to say “no” if they wish to, & respecting their answer regardless. If they apologize for answering in the negative, reassure them it’s fine & nothing has changed between you.
Also, your person will love you for you, dumb jokes & all.

“I’m so accustomed to being treated like someone’s secret that I can’t fathom being loved out in the open …”
Punch me in the gut right out the gate, Elyse! Damn. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 8 years & I’m still not used to this kind of love. I’m still walled off. Like Elyse, I’m afraid of heartbreak & think it’s too good to be true.
Also, props to Tessa for not forcing small talk.

I appreciate the hospital corner metaphor / needing something to work so it feels like things will be okay. Disorganization & chaos overwhelm me & make me feel helpless / send me into a spiral. Having something controlled & orderly to look at is soothing. For her it’s a neatly made bed with hospital corners; for me it’s a tidy sock drawer. Whatever tricks you into thinking you have your life together.

“Even though I prefer being alone, I want my introversion to be a choice I make. I don’t want to feel trapped by it. Sometimes I feel very trapped by it.”
Yup. Also everything she says about being Just the Right Amount of Observant & making notes about everyone & their details/quirks. I also remember entire conversations & used to transcribe them in my journal. People exhaust me but I enjoy learning about them.

That “meat” cute with Jonas though …

Terence: -rambling on about the purity culture rose metaphor-
Elyse: - representing most women hearing this hypocritical drivel by imagining herself walking off the nearby cliff to escape him -
Thankfully she chose walking to her car instead, & thankfully he was a mostly harmless weirdo rather than a violent one.

“I think my default factory setting is Apologetic. Especially when I have no reason to be.” I feel this.
“I’m more interested in figuring out if the universe is pranking me by sending me this gorgeous specimen of a man or if he’s actually sticking by my side because he’s attracted to me.” Me, lol.
The statement about her brain warping the meaning of her friend’s expression is also relatable.

I feel the “Factory Reset” chapter deeply. How many times have I told myself I would reinvent myself &/or start over? I’m not the best at making friends. I’m particular about my note taking. 🎶 Pathological People Pleaser 🎶 (making a slow recovery) Getting angry over someone disrespecting my property & placing a lot of value on mundane items like pens.
Loved the “child-sized burrito” joke.

Okay, my socially oblivious ass didn’t need to be called out so hard. I can never tell when someone likes me & always assume they don’t, whether it’s platonic or romantic. I’ve been surprised to find out people consider me a friend before. It’s very hard for me to accept that I’m someone people enjoy being around. I’m still bewildered my husband wants me & we’ve been married 4.5 years, lol.

I didn’t learn to be suspicious of other people’s intentions until I was in middle/high school, but I understand little Elyse here; both in the assumption that I won’t be invited to the sleepover / party / gathering, & if I am, the anxiety that I’m only being invited out if pity or as a joke.

“You need to create a life for yourself … One that isn’t so focused on me”
Ugh, I HATE agreeing with Strane on anything, but this is very true. However, he said this in 2007 & was still in contact with her in 2017, so we know he was full of shit.
He’s such a manipulative bastard; showing up at her apt, intimidating her, shoving her, then crying in her lap until she lets him use her.
Henry v Strane sins.

Good on Bridget for calling Vanessa on her toxic BS. It’s absolutely shitty to pick on a literal child who was SA’d by the man who groomed you. It’s disgusting. HE’S disgusting. You both deserve better & he deserves jail & to be barred from ever being around teenage girls again. I suppose his actual fate will have to do.

2017 Vanessa still irritates me but I’m glad she’s making strides in her recovery journey. She sat down with Taylor & got a slap of reality so sharp she made & emergency appointment with her therapist. In that emergency session we learn she’s clinging to the belief that her relationship with Strane was a love story - “if it’s not … what is it? … this is my whole life.”
Pedos & ephebophiles = gross.

So Vanessa’s weird obsession with Taylor started back in 2006. Why? To protect Strane’s perverted ass or because Taylor had the courage to speak out that Vanessa lacks?
Fuck Strane & his DARVO ass BS. Telling Vanessa to stay away from a married professor because “you know what you’re capable of.” Minimizing the incident with Taylor & Vanessa’s initial reaction. Blaming Vanessa for Taylor being believed.

“‘I was raped by a teacher there … I was 15.’ I’m shocked at how smoothly the lie comes out of me, though I don’t know if I’m lying or just not telling the truth.”
Baby girl, this is you telling the truth for the first time. This is what part of you has always known to be true, but you have refused to listen, to believe that’s what really happened to you.

Strane has messed her up so badly she sees everything through his filter or compares it to him. She mentally critiques Professor Plough for not being like Strane while her mind projects Strane’s perversions onto him.
Strane has also made her insufferable about Nabokov.
She doesn’t want to be a victim but her PTSD symptoms flare up often (refusing oral from Strane; dissociating; triggered by play’s rape scene)

Of course Strane is against “self-victimization!’ He doesn’t want [himself or Vanessa] to believe she’s a victim. (She is.)
He continues to manipulate her, play with her emotions, & be a condescending ass to her at 21.
The mental gymnastics she does to avoid being labeled a victim are frustrating & disgusting at times - especially about rape.
She’s not ok & needs to feel superior to offset her loneliness.

I’m so glad 2017 Vanessa is talking to her therapist about Strane. I’m glad Ruby has the patience to walk her through her past & enlighten her to what part of her knew was happening all along. I’m also glad Ruby called out the way the school handled the situation because that was completely unethical & BS.
It seems like there might have been a break through but I worry Vanessa will run from it.

Vanessa reconnecting with Strane after 2 years of silence is frustrating & heartbreaking. We see the divide in her psyche - her need / love for him vs her justified hate & anger. The immediate gaslighting & getting her drunk. Her awareness to wonder “is this rape?” & dissociating during the act.
She tries to confront him with Jenny’s revelations & he worms right back in. I’m glad she puked on his floor.

Vanessa cringes at the labels of victim/survivor, & I understand they can be hard to resonate with, but that man destroyed her. She’s been in arrested development since age 16, never processing their relationship, diving into booze, cigarettes & weed to numb herself. The end of this chapter made it clear: she’s worried she won’t be believed. She believes she was a willing participant, not the perfect victim.

Vanessa appears to have a very obsessive personality - she finds 1 person & makes them her entire world only to suffer a doom spiral when they pull away. This also makes her spiteful.
Her wanting to kiss Charley bolsters a theory I’ve had for a while - she doesn’t like men, just their attention - she seems to have stronger feelings for girls.
Strane’s manipulation messed her up & she needed therapy in 2001.

Well at least we don’t have to hear anything more from 2017 Strane - though I hate that this event had such a horrific effect on the girl leading the charge against him.
With him gone, Vanessa can finally begin to heal without him popping up & wreaking further havoc on her emotions. I’m glad she told her therapist, I just hope she continues to work through this & doesn’t do something stupid like burn evidence.

The grooming techniques Strane used (& still uses in 2017) on Vanessa are so insidious. How he got so into her head, to make her sacrifice herself, her education, her reputation & outside relationships to protect his worthless ass, is remarkable & terrifying.
He outwardly chastises her for making him her entire world, but he thrives on being in that role. Meanwhile she’s pushing away the people who want to help.

Strane doesn’t pay attention to what Vanessa likes unless it relates to his interests, & even then he critiques her sometimes (ex: Lolita). He shoved her dog (instant dealbreaker). He manhandled her on a school trip when he thought no one could see (but Jenny did). He tells Vanessa to stop acting like a child (that’s what she is! Maybe stop fucking children?!). He humiliated Jenny to be petty.
I HATE THIS MAN!!!

I know 2017 Vanessa is slowly coming to terms with the reality of what Strane did & still is doing to her, but my God, she can be insufferable. I’m trying to give her grace due to her trauma, but that only goes so far.
The way she scoffed at her teen coworker & refused to help her when accosted by a drunk pervert was not ok. Thinking a teen girl should know how to handle that is trash & possibly guilt / projection.

After Vanessa makes a reference to ‘Lolita’:
Strane: “you take that book too literally.”
Of course! She’s 15! What did you expect? A high brow literary analysis?
Strane: “I’m not that character. That’s not what we are.”
Yes you are. You protest too much. Also, the audacity for him to act like he’s better than pedos when he’s also a predator preying on a minor.
The manipulation in this scene!