Kaylee > Recent Status Updates

So Vanessa’s weird obsession with Taylor started back in 2006. Why? To protect Strane’s perverted ass or because Taylor had the courage to speak out that Vanessa lacks?
Fuck Strane & his DARVO ass BS. Telling Vanessa to stay away from a married professor because “you know what you’re capable of.” Minimizing the incident with Taylor & Vanessa’s initial reaction. Blaming Vanessa for Taylor being believed.

“‘I was raped by a teacher there … I was 15.’ I’m shocked at how smoothly the lie comes out of me, though I don’t know if I’m lying or just not telling the truth.”
Baby girl, this is you telling the truth for the first time. This is what part of you has always known to be true, but you have refused to listen, to believe that’s what really happened to you.

Strane has messed her up so badly she sees everything through his filter or compares it to him. She mentally critiques Professor Plough for not being like Strane while her mind projects Strane’s perversions onto him.
Strane has also made her insufferable about Nabokov.
She doesn’t want to be a victim but her PTSD symptoms flare up often (refusing oral from Strane; dissociating; triggered by play’s rape scene)

Of course Strane is against “self-victimization!’ He doesn’t want [himself or Vanessa] to believe she’s a victim. (She is.)
He continues to manipulate her, play with her emotions, & be a condescending ass to her at 21.
The mental gymnastics she does to avoid being labeled a victim are frustrating & disgusting at times - especially about rape.
She’s not ok & needs to feel superior to offset her loneliness.

I’m so glad 2017 Vanessa is talking to her therapist about Strane. I’m glad Ruby has the patience to walk her through her past & enlighten her to what part of her knew was happening all along. I’m also glad Ruby called out the way the school handled the situation because that was completely unethical & BS.
It seems like there might have been a break through but I worry Vanessa will run from it.

Vanessa reconnecting with Strane after 2 years of silence is frustrating & heartbreaking. We see the divide in her psyche - her need / love for him vs her justified hate & anger. The immediate gaslighting & getting her drunk. Her awareness to wonder “is this rape?” & dissociating during the act.
She tries to confront him with Jenny’s revelations & he worms right back in. I’m glad she puked on his floor.

Vanessa cringes at the labels of victim/survivor, & I understand they can be hard to resonate with, but that man destroyed her. She’s been in arrested development since age 16, never processing their relationship, diving into booze, cigarettes & weed to numb herself. The end of this chapter made it clear: she’s worried she won’t be believed. She believes she was a willing participant, not the perfect victim.

Vanessa appears to have a very obsessive personality - she finds 1 person & makes them her entire world only to suffer a doom spiral when they pull away. This also makes her spiteful.
Her wanting to kiss Charley bolsters a theory I’ve had for a while - she doesn’t like men, just their attention - she seems to have stronger feelings for girls.
Strane’s manipulation messed her up & she needed therapy in 2001.

Well at least we don’t have to hear anything more from 2017 Strane - though I hate that this event had such a horrific effect on the girl leading the charge against him.
With him gone, Vanessa can finally begin to heal without him popping up & wreaking further havoc on her emotions. I’m glad she told her therapist, I just hope she continues to work through this & doesn’t do something stupid like burn evidence.

The grooming techniques Strane used (& still uses in 2017) on Vanessa are so insidious. How he got so into her head, to make her sacrifice herself, her education, her reputation & outside relationships to protect his worthless ass, is remarkable & terrifying.
He outwardly chastises her for making him her entire world, but he thrives on being in that role. Meanwhile she’s pushing away the people who want to help.

Strane doesn’t pay attention to what Vanessa likes unless it relates to his interests, & even then he critiques her sometimes (ex: Lolita). He shoved her dog (instant dealbreaker). He manhandled her on a school trip when he thought no one could see (but Jenny did). He tells Vanessa to stop acting like a child (that’s what she is! Maybe stop fucking children?!). He humiliated Jenny to be petty.
I HATE THIS MAN!!!

I know 2017 Vanessa is slowly coming to terms with the reality of what Strane did & still is doing to her, but my God, she can be insufferable. I’m trying to give her grace due to her trauma, but that only goes so far.
The way she scoffed at her teen coworker & refused to help her when accosted by a drunk pervert was not ok. Thinking a teen girl should know how to handle that is trash & possibly guilt / projection.

After Vanessa makes a reference to ‘Lolita’:
Strane: “you take that book too literally.”
Of course! She’s 15! What did you expect? A high brow literary analysis?
Strane: “I’m not that character. That’s not what we are.”
Yes you are. You protest too much. Also, the audacity for him to act like he’s better than pedos when he’s also a predator preying on a minor.
The manipulation in this scene!

Strane: “you shouldn’t be jealous [of Ms. Thompson]”
Of course not, because you’re not attracted to women your age, are you? If I remember 2017 Vanessa correctly, 22 is too old for your liking.
Pervert.
Strane: “I’m not envious of whatever dalliances you might’ve had before me”
Well, no, those would have been with other children who are no threat to you, a grown ass man with sexual experience.

TW: Rape / Sexual Assault
This poor girl, lying there after Strane forcibly took her virginity thinking, “I am nothing, no one, nowhere.”
She woke up to surprise naked man, was forced to touch his member, asked if he could fuck her, then penetrated without an answer. He does NOT stop when she starts crying. He gives her the illusion of choice, but he’s going to get what he wants from her one way or another.

Wtf kind of kissing leaves the corners of your mouth raw? I’ve had some passionate make out sessions but none that had that effect on me.
Strane is so maddeningly good at grooming & manipulating Vanessa. I want to punch him. She’s so frustrating with how easily she falls under his spell. I have to remind myself she’s a child when she’s trying so hard to prove she isn’t, that she’s grown enough for him.

I hate Strane so much - his manipulative little mind games, his condescending attitude, the audacity to give his intended victim a copy of ‘Lolita.’ A 15 year old will not understand the intent of this novel & it will further brainwash her.
Hot take: if you read ‘Lolita’ & side with the protagonist, you should not be allowed around underaged girls ever, let alone be their English teacher.

With the way Vanessa first talked about Ira, I thought he would be this douchey fuckboy, not a really healthy partner she pushed away.
Unfortunately Ira learned you can’t make an abuse victim see they’re one until they’re ready & Vanessa is so codependent with Strane that can’t happen. I feel Ira’s frustration with her as I feel the same while reading the 2017 portions. She’s in such denial it’s sad.

Mom has good instincts - she’s ready to flatten Strane for even commenting on Vanessa’s hair. Too bad she doesn’t & also that Vanessa lies about the identity of the teacher who complimented her.
“He thinks about me so much, certain things remind him of me. That means something.” Yeah, that he’s a creep. YOU ARE A CHILD!!
Him calling her writing sexy & touching her knee 🤢🚩Absolutely not!

Strane zeroed in on Vanessa’s loneliness very quickly - easy target.
I’m calling it now, Vanessa will be diagnosed with neurodivergence in her adult years, probably ADHD - her disorganization & messiness point towards it, but that wasn’t often given to girls in 2000, particularly if grades & behavior weren’t affected.
The negative feedback in public is gross. It’s no else’s business.

I think I’m going to struggle with 2017 as she’s re-examining her relationship with Strane. The fact that she’s still in contact with him all these years later & still loyal to him is gross, but glimmers of realization are there.
Strane’s manipulation is heavily apparent to the reader but Vanessa’s been groomed to dismiss it.
I love that this is set in ME.
I’m relating a lot to 2000 Vanessa.

So “done / numb” mode couldn’t stand up to Korgy’s desperation. Disappointing but Waldo is young. Anyway, now his neediness is driving her insane & suffocating her.
I do think he’s benefiting from being on his own (writing again, cooking for himself) but his need for constant adoration is irritating.
Waldo’s mom found a therapy group - maybe Waldo could benefit from it too.

Ah, yes, the “I’m so fucking done that I’m numb” mode - I know it well. It helped me walk away from two toxic relationships in my past. It comes from giving everything you have & contorting yourself just to keep someone who was never worth it & will never appreciate you. I’m glad Waldo has reached this point & I hope it remains solid. She’s got a lot to work on in herself & doesn’t need this jackass.

It’s heartbreaking how she describes shrinking herself in order to keep this loser in her life. “The last time I cried & complained & made a fuss, I lost him … so I shove my concerns down …” She knows he only wants her for her body & how she makes him feel & meets his needs. Did he really miss her or was he just jealous she was seeing Nolan?
This relationship is killing her & she still calls him Mr. Korgy.

Me reading the last sentence of chapter 59: “Yeah! Fuck Mr. Korgy!”
Me reading the first few lines of chapter 60: “Not like that!!”
Did Korgy mean any of the things he said during his break up speech where he told her she deserves better or was that just more manipulation? The nerve of him to be so cold to her & demand she perform in his class like nothing happened; to swoop back in when she’s with Nolan!

I appreciate McCurdy’s ability to illustrate Waldo’s clumsy search for identity through her clothes. She easily depicts Waldo’s inner war with herself, one side knowing Korgy isn’t giving her enough & wanting to speak out; the other refusing to acknowledge the first side in fear of losing what little she gets from him for being “too much.” This relationship is draining her. The B&E antics were gross too.

One of the strengths of this novel is the poetic & hard-hitting ways McCurdy has Waldo describe her contortions of self in order to please Korgy.
“If I wedge myself into a doll, a dream, a marionette with lifeless eyes … & no needs … who indulges his fantasies … maybe then he will love me too.”
Something inside her is waking up & not happy with this. I hope she listens.
Does Korgy ever use a damn condom?!

“I know my job. My role. To make him feel good. To be his escape. To take him out of the pressures of his life, which includes not putting any pressure on him to be a bigger part of mine.”
This is so sad. Waldo craves connection so badly she will settle for whatever scraps Korgy throws her way. She’s been taught to center men & sacrifice parts of herself to please them. That men make you whole.

Waldo’s statements on people’s views of poverty & the comparisons between her home, Frannie’s, & Mr. Korgy’s are apt & interesting.
After the way Mr. Korgy took control during sex, I’m beginning to think his resistance was all a mind game to make Waldo even more desperate for him. Or maybe I’m just cynical & he’s confused about his inappropriate feelings for her, getting drunk & losing all inhibitions.

“Sometimes you have to fight to be heard.” Love the sentiment, hate the context - Waldo is trying to talk Mr. Korgy into a relationship with her & act on his inappropriate feelings for her. She’s willing to accept a fragment of him if it means having him at all & he’s trying to convince her to move on from this crush. She thinks taking on adult responsibilities means she’s ready for an adult man. No, honey.