Dan Messick > Recent Status Updates

Ch 8 crazy to think one can run a church yet have a prayer life in ruin.
Many leaders have a great practice of 2 hours in morning dedicated to prayer
Some even 7 hrs a day!

Ch 9 some churches have members that dedicate first 7 days to fasting until 7 pm

Some churches fasting never stops, they just take turns.
Matt6:16 when you fast.
Jesus expected his followers to fast.
Some only allow those in fasting to baptize

Putes if it gets escalated.
Try to keep a one to one ratio of people, and your advocate needs to not be adding fuel but to help keep you calm and keep it factual.

Proffessions the enabler / advocate commonly can be in frequent is lawyer, counselor, ministry, doctors, teachers, nurses ,& social workers

Had a good case study in the chapter about a lawyer who prematurely took the case wo doing research.

Ch 9 22min/200. Dealing with advocates of the HCP.
They are often close to the person family, friend, coworker. Many times they are just enablers by trusting to quickly and not doing own research or are afraid of the person snapping on them.
But many times when both sides of story are present they disappear.
But sometimes they are to close or an HCP themselves.
He recommends his book Highconflict people in legal dis

Ch8 24m/178 histrionic personality is motivated by fear of being ignored.
1.8% or 6 million. 51%men.
Emotional intensity push people away which is ironic because that is a huge fear of there’s.
Top 3 of the 8 traits is drive center attention,dramatic speech, thinking people care more about them than they do.
Common profession movie stars, rock stars, or public performer.
Frequent ER visit because all or nothing .

Ch7 26min/154. Paranoid. 4.4% or 16million people in north America.
57% are female.
Most appear less confident about engaging others, though a minority do.
Typically verbal attack first, rumors.
Top 3 of 7 suspicious others out to harm them, beating grudges foot minor or nonexistent reasons, fear others conspire against them.
little paranoia is healthy.
Tip:Focus on acknowledging that’s unusual or I wasn’t there

Sociopaths that are psychopaths are potentially very cruel who will ruin your life for pleasure. Ex Ted Bundy.
Sociopaths NOT psychopaths generally are conartist and don’t care if you get hurt while they get what want. Ex. Ernie Macoff (Ponzi scheme)

Antisocial common profession choice politics, law, sales, business.
Tend have many traffic violations, parking tickets, other small crimes.

Ch6 32 min/128. Sociopath aka antisocial personality disorder, psychopath (extreme)
They lack remorse and may find pleasure in your pain.
3.6% population~13 million people USA. 1 in 4. Psychopath 1%.
74% male.
7 traits. 3 top.routine violations of social rules,norms, laws wo remorse. Drive to dominate. Deceitfulness.
Their heart rates slow down in conflict.
Can be some most charming people,because master manipulator

Ch 5 26min/96.
Helping to identify someone who is a BPD borderline personality disorder as it’s another 6% of population. Per 2008 5.9 borderline whilenarcissistic were 6.2%.

53% female 47% male.

BPD are those that latch on to select people and share them everything but have a temper.

And they will turn on you quickly.

Fear abandonment, mood swings, put people in camp good or bad.

Devil wears Prada analogy

Main thing learned, js not to insult them or let them know you think they are narcissistic. But to find ways to remove yourself from them, example priorities shift you take a break from the hobby or location they tend to meet you at.

The book goes more in depth on strategy to escape and protect yourself.
It was a really good chapter. Pulling strategies from previous chapter and introducing new strategy like BIFF

Ch 4 continues to dive deeper in topic and gives you sub labels
Vulnerable n are ones to quickly explode and backlash. While grandiose get angry then make up rumors, destroy reputation by sabotage.
Uses lance armstrong as example of how when questioned he attacked the person and avoided the questions.
How terrorist leaders don’t recognize the sacrifice from the followers, because they dont value them.

Ch4 29min/70.
Narcissism 101 what to look out for and how to get out of alway learn some ways to not become their main victim.
6% of population. 22+mil Americans
Of the Narcissists 62% M and 38% F. Most are oblivious how they treat people because they feel their superiority justify why they should get preferred treatment.
To get the label you have to have 5 of 9 traits. Top 3 superiority, above rules, lack empathy.

Ch7. Listening is the beginning of praying mother Teresa.

Interesting survey with putting people alone in room with nothing but their thoughts and a button to shock them. 67% men 25% women prefer to endure shocking themselves over being alone with themselves.

Can you bear God wo silence?

Early church didn’t have goals just a plan to share.

We need to create time for a quiet place, quiet time, and a quiet heart

Ch 3 13min /41. This book really draws you in to help you learn.
HCP (high conflict person) generally pick on people they are close to or someone in authority.

People in helping professions have a higher percentage of being a hcp.

Hcp is also on rise with all, most likely due to television promoting this behavior as people find them entertaining from a distance.

Washer a community connection the hcp thrive in

Ch2 16 min/28m. Very descriptive and gives you another recommendation book (gift of fear- Gavin de Becker)
4 primary characteristics of a hcp (high conflict person)
All or nothings
Unmanaged emotion
Extreme behavior/threats
Targets of blame- and not relenting

90 % rule - would 90% of people do that, if not be cautious
WEB
W-words
E- emotions
B-behavior

How to deal with HCP
CARS
Connect
Analyze
Respond
Set limits

Ch1 12min. Great way to introduce the HCP(high conflict personality) and learning that about 10% population or 35million in USA at time writing. But also goes into about 15% people have one of the 10 personality disorder recoginized by the DSM-5.
Author did cofound the HCI(high conflict institute) , is a psychotherapist & lawyer. And has been for 30+ years.

It is a good writing style easy to follow so far.

Final word and resources 5 minutes

A last word of encouragement on finding peace.

I recommend going to Tyndale.com and just typing in authors last name to see he has varying books from this size to full on books with 12 week studies

Ch 3 28 minutes of sky view strategy’s to get you thinking in the right direction.

While reading I tabbed many pages in this chapter to come back and reference.

There is also some good hard truths on plausible why this keeps happening.

Ch4 some need to position the body to evoke prayer, kneeling, lighting candle, etc
Matt chandler recommends pray until soul is happy, then you don’t seek human praise.
We are first made to follow not lead.
Pray like an addict, where you know it will only be Jesus that gets you out of this

Ch 5 if I can’t die, show me the way.
Jacob I will not let you go unless you bless me

Ch 3 predetermine prayer to spells out your life

The son ( Jesus) does what he says his father does

Prayer is an exchange of wishes

Trade my wishes for Gods wishes

Little prayers are powerful to!

You don’t always have to be long winded

Father forgive them

Father not my will but your will

Be healed

Little girl get up

Help me be still

Protect my mind

20 min on chap 2
Gives a couple case studies on how someone can make you feel and why.

Few possibilities of how they became to be toxic

Also talks about how sometimes removing their joy from the situation causes them to move on to another victim.

No definite strategy or explanations , as that would be impossible in such a short book/chapter but more of a this has worked. Stay encouraged & stand up

Ch 2 list 14 toxic people.
I forgot to time reading this chapter .

This chapter is neat to read as if your someone like me who has overcome and are scared you may have other bad traits this helps brings things to light.

I plan to reread this chapter at later time and self reflect more as we are all growing and have blind spots. And the author does a good job of giving descriptive yet short definitions and stories

5 minutes in and it is off to good start , not only does it give some crazy statistics like 84% women and 75% have had a toxic friend ( not coworker or family just friend) and instantly your minds like yeah I can believe that.
I also appreciate how it tells you when the term gaslight got coined you may be surprised how long ago it was.

I feel it’s going to have mix of humor, data, and strategy to improve.Lets see

Ch 10 5 min. There is no loving lie.
Ch11 5min. Change people to change gov, we are sent to people not government office.
Ch12 8min. Is pastor a gift or office (vocation).
Ch 13 being Corinthian isn’t so bad.

Ch5 15 min. Members must have fruit & heart.
Ch6 20 min. Immersion baptism.
Ch7 23 min. Restore the value of being a member.
Ch8 14 min. Know your members.
Ch9 3 min. Spurgeon joke.

This book is very deep and I am only fact checking a few scriptures references. One very interesting fact I learned was SBC rules can mostly be found in 1 Corinthians. But yet he seems to sight other books more frequently.

Ch 2 is great ! Some favorite points is train to be a praying leader not a leader that prays.

Think of it this way someone who occasionally complains is not a complainer or someone who occasionally golfs is a golfer it’s when you do it so much it become your identity.

Spend time training your prayer life like you do a relationship with spouse or like you would to train a muscle at gym, be dedicated to get results

Ch1. 3 min.Learning importance of being watchful and hygiene go hand and hand.

Ch2 6 min. You can’t be autonomous and part of a group, you are either in convention with common belief or your not.

Ch3 11 min. Without belief in writing and trusted you will dissolve into oblivion like the northern Baptist convention. Souther Seminary was quite liberal until 1993 with prof belief in abortion and homosexuality.

6 min The introduction, foreword, preface, etc does a good job of stating the unpleasantries of what comes to mind of most outside the reformed congregations. Feeling the word they use most is the thing they lack most. Example most who claim gracious are frequent the short tempered.

Given this book by author at the Salt & Light conference at ShadowBrook January 2025

Ch 10 is probably the best chapter

Ch 11 will be liked by many but it was not a favorite of mine.

Ch 12 is great as it correlates 4 big issues with how the Bible has been given answer for years and now the science community is finally agreeing on same things and gives another list of other areas Bible has answers for but just aren’t the super hot topics

Ch 9 great question of how few accounts of Aristotle we had (spoiler 49) and yet people don’t dispute his existence, yet there are thousands of Jesus and it’s debated.

Ch10 is been my favorite chapter as it talks about how people of the church hurt people but that’s not God. And how that the Jesus warned us that they will exhaust and he will let them exist and he will seperate them in the end days