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"Maybe there really is nothing an alchemist can do to remedy mania short of destroying a woman's mind. But I'm not an alchemist; I'm an energy siphoner! And an energy siphoner can apply mania to greatness which I have. Obviously." She spread her arms to indicate her white robe.

"No, but there's ample precedent outside the teachings. Consider: this irrepressible energy you call mania. I've always had that. Now, maybe it is a defect. Maybe it isn't good for my body or my tender female soul, but it can't be transmuted into womanly subservience because it fundamentally lacks the necessary characteristics."

"My point is: What if we don't treat emotion as matter? What if we treat it as energy? Not as a poison, limited in its potential, but as a power source, infite in its potential?"

"There's no precedent for that." Dr. Mellier looked deeply unsettled. "It's not in the teachings."

I think about him on my last day in Ellensburg, as I get ready to move to the city where we always planned to live together. And I think about him whenever I close my eyes, and see us together again, lying out there in the fields.

I think about him after a better first date with someone from my English class. I think about him after I finish writing our story and submitting it to a writing contest. I think of him when I win an honorable mention, and it gets published online. I think about him when I visit his house for Sunday dinners with James and his family.

But I still think about him. I think about him throughout my first week in college when I'm walking under the cherry blossoms. I think about him whenever I'm in town, grabbing coffee at Sun and Moon. I think about him when I'm on the phone with Mika, and we talk for hours. I think about him after an awkward blind date Oliver sets me up with.

"I love you more than you can ever know, Julie. I'll never forget the time we had together. So please don't forget me, okay? Try to think of me from time to time. Even if it's only for a moment. It would mean so much. You have no idea." A long pause, followed by static. "I should go now. Thank you... for not picking up the phone this time. Good-bye, Julie."

"You are my entire world, Julie. And one day, maybe I'll only be a small piece of yours. I hope you keep that piece."

"But you still can. You can still have all those things, Julie. Because you deserve them. And you deserve to fall in love a dozen times, because you are kind and beautiful, and who wouldn't fall in love with you? You're one of the best things to ever happen to me. And when I think about my life, I think of you in it."

"Remember back in the fields, when I asked what you wanted. if you could have anything? Well—I want those things, too, Jules. I want to be there with you. I want to graduate with you guys. I want to move out of Ellensburg, and live with you, and grow old together. But I can't." Another pause.

"And I never wanted you to, either. That's why I stayed as long as I could. So don't blame yourself for anything. It was me that was keeping you from your life. Maybe it was a bit selfish of me. But I was just so scared you'd forget. I realize now I made it a lot harder for you to move on. And I hope you forgive me for that."

"You see, I took you to all those places—like the fields, to see the stars that night—so that you'd always remember. So that whenever you looked up at the sky at night, you'd think of me. Because I didn't want to let you go yet. I never wanted to say good-bye, Jules."

"The truth is... I picked up because—because I needed you. I needed to hear your voice again, Julie. Because I wanted to make sure you didn't forget me."

"Before we hung up, you said something that made me feel a bit guilty. You said I picked up your call that night because you needed me. I guess part of that is true. But that isn't the reason I answered." A long pause.

Sam's voice comes through the phone. "Hey—so, I'm not sure if I should do this... Or if it will even work. I probably should have said this to you over the phone, but we ran out of time. Or maybe, the truth is, I was scared you would think of me differently... That is, if you knew why I picked up the phone that first time—" He pauses.

Our connection is over. Just like that. I'll never get to speak to Sam again. I should get up and go home, but I can t seem to move. So I lie there in the dark for a while. In his bed, alone in the emptiness of the house, wishing things were different. And then something happens.

I let it keep ringing until it stops, the screen turns black, and I'm alone in the room again. My heart shatters, and sinks into the pit of my stomach. I set the phone down, and curl up on Sam's bed, letting myself cry.

My body goes numb as I sit on his bed in silence, waiting for the call. And then the phone rings. The number is unknown but I know it's him. I squeeze the phone tight, wanting to pick it up so badly, desperate to hear his voice again. But I can't do that to him. I made a promise. So I let it ring.

"After we hang up... I'm going to call you again. And I need you to not pick up this time. Can you promise me that?"

He needs me to break our connection for good. He needs me to move on.

"I can..." I whisper, even though it kills me inside.

"Thank you. I'm going to hang up now. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Thank you, Sam. For everything you've done. For picking up the phone because I needed you. For always being there for me."

A silence.

"Are you there?"

"I'm here. Don't worry," he assures me. "But I need you to say good-bye now. Okay? I need to hear you say the word."

I swallow hard. The words come out cracked and broken. "Good-bye, Sam."

"Good-bye, Julie."

"I'm happy to hear you, too. I'm glad you made the call. Even if it's late. But it's time to say good-bye now, okay? I have to go soon—"

There's an ache in my chest. But I can't let Sam go knowing this. I have to be strong for him. I swallow down the pain.

"Okay, Sam."

"I love you, Julie. I want you to know that."

"I love you, too."

"You're wrong about something. You did leave your mark on the world, Sam. You left a mark on me. You changed my life. And I'll never forget you, okay? We're a part of each other. Do you hear me? Sam—" My voice gives out.

I know you're here, Sam. I can feel you. Because you're everywhere. You were back in the coffee shop, there at the lake, somewhere waiting in these fields. All this time I've been wondering why we've been given this second chance. But maybe we're always connected, even after you're gone. Because I can never completely lose you. You're a part of me now. You're everywhere I look, falling from the sky like petals.

"I know I have to say good-bye soon," I say. "But I don't think I can let him go."

My mother nods silently. Before we leave the car, she wipes a tear from my eye, and whispers, "Then you shouldn't. You should keep him with you. Help him live on somehow."

Being away from Ellensburg was exactly what I needed after all. I still think about Sam from time to time, but the memories are fond, letting me breathe easier. Even though he isn't here, I still see him everywhere. And for the first time, the thought of this brings me comfort.

"He might be physically gone, but you will always carry a piece of him with you. I know your time with Sam was much shorter than you wanted it to be, but that time together isn't something you can give back. Letting go isn't about forgetting. It's balancing moving forward with life, and looking back from time to time, remembering the people in it."

"You want to feel something. Something meaningful, and intense. You want to feel that thing in your heart and stomach. You want to be moved. To care about something, or fall in love, you know? And you want it to feel real. And different. And exciting. And I think this film does that, in its own way. It makes you cry, over bread.
You've never felt that before. It's original. It makes you feel... alive."

"Exactly. I knew it would make you sad. Just like you said you want from a film."

"When did I say that?"

"The week we first met," he says, "I asked you what kind of movies you liked and you said the ones that make you cry. You said, you want to cry in a way you've never cried before. Don't you remember?"

"What's the rose for?"

"Oh—it's for you," he says, blushing again. "It was my mom's idea. But you don't have to take it, if you don't want to."

I smile and take the rose.

But the ride is about to come to its end. I can feel it. I squeeze my eyes tighter, hoping to stop time or at least slow it down. Because I don't want to open mine, either. I don't want to lose him. I want to keep them shut and live in this memory of us forever. I don't want to open my eyes and see a world without Sam.

But sometimes you just wake up. No matter how hard you try not to.