Aaron > Recent Status Updates

Oh my God I was just telling Aitana I remember reading a book in which somebody gets metal replacement teeth after their real teeth shatter because they were clenching them when a grenade goes off and it's fucking Artemis Fowl 3 hahahaha

"There is no such thing as time; for I have lived countless millions of years during the striking of the gong." So true my king. I wish I had quoted this as I was getting written up for accruing too many tardy points.

I laughed so hard at the part where the bookseller gets glared at by the dude making a beeline for the occult section because she asked him to leave his giant bag behind the counter. Too fucking relatable.

A gay unicorn just quoted Regina George and I died.

Really enjoying this dark menstrual werewolf fantasy. Feels like the result of Shirley Jackson and Ray Bradbury collaborating on the script for a new Ginger Snaps movie.

"Our demons are sunk deeper than the skin, and maybe we use stories to exorcise them - or at least know them truly."

I wonder if Bella ever touched a hot stove or played with a plastic bag just so she could hear the Edward delusion force ghost voice tell her "No Bella. That's hot" or "That's not a toy, Bella."

You're right Cheyenne. That was one of the most glorious typos in the history of typos. This is how new universes are born. Somewhere out there in the multiverse Sam is catching. God bless.

All you people out there telling me New Moon is the worst in the series are wrong because Jacob calling Mike a marshmallow and telling Bella that she should save herself for "someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit" is so far beyond anything that happened in Twilight.

Bella: makes a joke about "dog years" to Jacob
Me: (-_-;)

Bella turns 18 then immediately gets dumped by Edward who tells her not to kill herself over it. After wallowing for four months and about 130 pages she remembers Jacob and after appreciating his still-husky voice and how much he has grown literally says "Wait a sec-are you legal yet?" I mean good for her for checking since he was 14 the last time they saw each other? Yeah, that's the hardest I've laughed in a while.

"Lila the Werewolf" has to rank right up there with Hal Duncan's "Sic Him, Hellhound! Kill! Kill!" as one of the best werewolf stories ever written. Farrell is the real monster here as his response to finding out his girlfriend is a lycanthrope is pretty much "Why do I always fall for girls with issues? Pooor me." Grow up dude. Your girlfriend is a werewolf and you're what? A musician? Wow. He should've been mauled.

10 pages about vampires playing baseball and not a single joke about a "vampire bat"?? I don't understand.

So Edward doesn't listen to motown, glam rock, funk, or prog? That explains a lot.

So Jacob tells Bella the truth about the Cullens and takes care of his disabled father while Edward calls her a coward and steals a kiss while she's too impaired to drive and all ya'll bishes are still Team Edward?

So Jacob has a pleasant, HUSKY voice does he? Really? Stephanie? Does he? Also I love how quickly Bella decides Edward wishes she had been crushed by that van after all, and make no mistake honey he's laughing AT you not WITH you.

So I'm already tired of how every time something is perfect it's also white. Gross. Also Bella envisions her Chevy destroying a foreign car but is infatuated with Edward's Volvo and that's weird. But I guess Europeans aren't foreign? Oh that's right, Europeans are white and therefore perfect. Fuck off, Stephanie Meyer.

So I'm already tired of how every time something is perfect it's also white. Gross. Also Bella envisions her Chevy destroying a foreign car but is infatuated with Edward's Volvo and that'ss weird. But I guess Europeans aren't foreign? Oh that's right, Europeans are white and therefore perfect. Fuck off, Stephanie Meyer.

Jerusalem's Lot (5/5): Loved it.
Graveyard Shift (1/5): Pointless.
Night Surf (3/5): Captain Trips!
I Am the Doorway (4/5)
The Mangler (3/5)
The Boogeyman (2/5): Awful ending.
Gray Matter (5/5): Awesomely disgusting.
Battleground (1/5): Poor Matheson imitation.
Trucks (3/5)

Jerusalem's Lot (5/5): Like Hawthorne's stories of bad Puritans mixed with Stoker's Lair of the White Worm, with a dominating pall of cosmic horror and ancestral madness à la Lovecraft or Clark Ashton Smith. Loved it.