Zoë’s Reviews > Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections > Status Update

"1 of his friends told the all-male group: 'I don't want to put effort into our friendships bc I have to put effort into my family. I have to make an effort at work, w my wife, w my inlaws. When I hang out w you guys, I want to put in zero effort.'

'I get it...when you hang out w us, you just want to do nothing. You don't want to have to care about 'did that joke upset someone?' But you don't get to turn off life.'"

"Friendships can be built on any interest, like those nerdy kids who play Dungeons & Dragons in someone's basement once a week."

The author makes it clear that she, by contrast, is a cool person who prioritizes spending time with other cool people. She once said as much in a classified ad looking for a roommate: "Please be a cool person. Don't be boring or messy." Okay then.

"Once delight in a friendship evaporates, desire for the friendship will also plummet. You may not be able to put your disinterest into words, but your actions will show it. Your diligence in attending to the friendship will lower out of apathy. Soon you'll be left with a husk of a friendship."

Signs that you don't really want to spend time together or be friends:

-Not answering texts or phone calls
-Declining plans
-Feeling like hanging out with this person will not be a good use of your time
-Feeling indifferent to whether the friendship continues or not
-Feeling drained at the thought of connecting with this person

Making progress on this book for the first time since August! I wanted to complain that the research is so superficial (Here's a list of five reasons friendships end, taken from a Psychology Today blog post), but then I realized I'd chosen this book as a bedtime read specifically because it's so light and fluffy.

"Generally speaking, people who can easily describe what role each friend plays in their lives tend to have better friendships. This is because clarity imparts purpose, establishing a clear and compelling reason why both people seek one another out and continue to put in the work to maintain the friendship."

"In his book Vital Friends... author Tom Rath says we ideally should have a variety of friends who support us in specific ways. No one friend can be everything to you. And you shouldn't carry that expectation. ...Rather, he says the key to wonderful friendships is focusing on what each friend uniquely contributes to your life."

"Becoming clear on the values you hold will help you better assess who would be a good candidate to be friends with. Those select people will comprise your trusted inner circle."

I'm not convinced that it's quite that simple. It takes time to establish trust, rather than just deciding that someone is a good match on paper. And they have to want to be friends with you too!

This book has a tough-love approach that isn't quite what I wanted: Your friendships are going to end, so deal with it. I was looking for more positive insights on how to preserve and strengthen the friendships we value. But maybe that will come later, and the information about why friendships fade and end has actually been surprisingly helpful so far.