Esra’s Reviews > Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? > Status Update

When you heard,
"Calm down, don't get so excited," or, "You ask too many
questions," you came to believe there was something wrong with you
for feeling as you did or for your curiosity.

Our deepest fears and false beliefs are triggered in the relationships
that are most important to us. All our protections come from the fear
of these people, who have a power similar to that of our parents.
(You probably give power to everyone who plays an important part
in your life.) Therefore, when any of these important people
disapprove of you, those fears are touched off.

If you weren't afraid, you would be as open as a newborn.
When confronted with something, you wouldn't be concerned with
being "wrong," you would merely react with curiosity: "Oh, that's
interesting. Why am I feeling this way? And what do I have to learn
in this situation? What's my lesson here?"

Everyone senses consciously or
unconsciously, whether another person is open or upset, shut down
or judgmental.
• What you've done is upsetting to me, but I know you must
have some important reasons for it. Would you tell me what
they are?
• You seem upset (or angry, distant, defensive, etc.). Have I
done something that hurt you?
• Is there something I'm doing that's upsetting to you?

You have a part in creating almost every unhappy situation in
your life. So an important first step in finding the loving behavior is to
discover your unloving behavior—how you set up the unhappy
situation you are in.

In any conflict you have two levels of responsibility: (1) your part in
setting up the conflict; and (2) how you react to the conflict.

Will often challenge deeply held beliefs and fears.
Involves the risk that those who want you to take responsibility
for their behavior, or want to control you, will not
appreciate your efforts.
May be exactly opposite what you've been doing to gain
approval or avoid disapproval (your own or others').