Figgy’s Reviews > How to Look After Your Human: A Dog's Guide > Status Update

Whether you have an actual wet nose or just a metaphorical one, four legs or two, make sure you bound into life's adventures side by side and remember that Man really is a dog's best friend. Especially when Man has a pocket full of biscuits.

Commandment #6
Your home is your castle, so it's important that you're always protecting it. You never know who might swing by so I suggest you find a good lookout place (I choose the back of the sofa in the front room) and devoted any free time you have to sentry duty. You should watch out for unpleasant intruders like the postman or that cat from next door.

Here, I need to draw your attention to a very serious, worrying trend that has been growing in popularity recently. Dog clothing. I'm not sure who is responsible for starting this, but a lot of humans have begun to enjoy putting clothes on us. This behaviour seems to manifest itself at novelty times of the year, on holidays such as Christmas, Halloween and Valentine's Day.

- Important Note -
Some human foods are utterly revolting and/or poisonous to dogs: chocolate (totally overrated anyway, but great to use as a reward in human obedience training), grapes, raisins, onions and macadamia nuts to name a few.


THANK YOU! This is a funny book about dogs, but which doesn't run the risk of fooling owners into thinking certain foods are okay for dogs! A Day With Dogs should take note!

Whether you like to sleep high atop a pile of pillows or sprawl across the middle of the mattress like a starfish, your human will need to slot in wherever there's space. Once they have learnt that, you can apply the same rules to any piece of furniture in the house.

[2/2]

You must never let your human forget that the bed is yours and they are merely a guest. You should always get tucked up first, making sure you're comfortable. I personally like to scrabble deep underneath the duvet, because the dark warmth helps me dream I'm chasing rabbits through their muddy burrows.

[1/2]

Effectively letting your human know what you want from them takes lots of practice,but as they are malleable, semi-intelligent creatures, you should begin to see results quite quickly,and it will become clear that interspecies communication isn't all that tricky.As we progress to specific areas of training, bear in mind these easy steps to make sure that you get what you want out of your relationship with your human.

- No -
I've never understood what my humans mean when they say this, but as they say it to me so often I believe it must be a term of encouragement. I suggest that when your human says "no" to you, you continue with the activity you were in the middle of but with extra enthusiasm, to show them you've heard them and you appreciate their feedback.

- Breakfast, lunch, dinner, biscuit -
All different words meaning essentially the same thing: food.

- Twiddling thumbs -
Nearly always signifies boredom. This can escalate to destructive levels swiftly so you must intervene and provide a distraction; I suggest throwing yourself onto the carpet and rolling your eyes madly, whilst trying to sing 'Unchained Melody'. This usually shocks them out of their behaviour and they are unlikely to do it again.