Connie’s Reviews > My Name Will Grow Wide Like a Tree: Selected Poems > Status Update

A SINGLE WOMAN'S BEDROOM

1. Mirror Trick

Of course you know her.
She is one and many,
A multitude flashing on, then off,
Watching out from the blank
Of her face. She is silent, speaking
With just her mind. She is flesh, a form,
But also flat, a mute screen.
What she offers you, by no means
Should you accept. She belongs to no one,
Sitting like a ghost beyond her own reach.
And yet, she's there—I mean me—
Behind glass, as if the world has been cleaved,
Though something whole remains,
Roving, free, a voice with poise and pitch.
She's there—me—snug in the glass,
The mirror on the bedside
Doing its one trick
A hundred times a day.
   You didn't come to live with me.


3. The curtain seals in my joy

The curtain seals out the day.
Better that way to let my mind
See what it sees (every evil under the sun),
Or to kneel before the heart, quiet king,
Feeling brave and consummately free.
Better that way to let all that I want
And all I believe swarm me like bees,
Or ghosts, or a cloud of smoke someone
Blows, beckoning. I come. I cry out
In release. I give birth
To a battery of clever babies—triplets,
Quintuplets, so many all at once.
The curtain seals in my joy.
The curtain holds the razor out of reach,
Puts the pills on a shelf out of sight.
The curtain snuffs shut and I bask in the bounty
Of being alive. The music begins.
Love pools in every corner.
   You didn't come to live with me.


5. Impromptu Party

The table is draped with a festive cloth, and
Light blurs out from a single lamp, making us fuzzy.
A sip of red wine, and I rise to my feet. We are
Dancing, my guests and I, like kids in a ballroom.
We don't smile or even speak.
We've had a lot to drink.
To a single woman, time is like a scrap of meat:
Nothing you can afford to give away. I want
To hold it in my lap, Time, that sneak, that thief already
Scheming to break free. Please—I beg
Upon my beloved stilettos,
I want the world back. I've been alive—could it be?—
Near a century. My face has closed up shop.
My feet are a desolate country.
For a single woman, youth is a feast that lasts
Only until it is gone.
   You didn't come to live with me.


7. Sunday Alone

I don't picnic on Sundays.
Parks are a sad song; I steer clear.
But I dug out all my sheet music,
I lolled about in the Turkish bath
Singing from breakfast to dusk.
With my hair, I sang Do
And my eyes, Re
And my ear sounded Mi
And my nose went after Fa
My face tilted back and up rose So
My mouth breathed La
My whole body birthed Ti
Like my cousin said, famously—
Music is the soul sighing.
Music pushes back against pain.
Solitude is great (but I don't want
Greatness). My eyes slump
Against the walls. My hair
Hurls itself at the ceiling like a colony
Of bats.
   You didn't come to live with me.


8. Discourse

I read materialist philosophy—
Material is peerless.
But I'm creationless.
I don't even procreate.
What use does the world have for me
Here beside my reams of cockeyed drafts
That nick away at the mountain of
Art and philosophy?
Firstly, Existentialism.
Secondly, Dadaism.
Thirdly, Positivism.
Lastly, Surrealism.
Mostly, I think people live
For the sake of living.
Is living a feat?
What will last?
My chief function is obsolescence.
Still, I send out my stubborn breath
In every direction. I am determined
To commit myself to a marriage
Of connivance.
   You didn't come to live with me.


10. Dream of Symbolism

I occupy the walls that surround me.
When did I become so rectilinear?
I had a rectilinear dream:
The rectilinear sky in Leo:
The head, for a while, shone brightest.
Next the tail, After a while
It became a wild horse
Galloping into the distances of the universe,
Lasso dragging behind, tethered to nothing.
There are no roads in the black night that contains us.
Every step is a step into absence.
I don't remember the last time I saw
A free soul. If she still exists, wild-eyed drifter,
She'll die young.
   You didn't come to live with me.


11. Birthday Candles

They are like heaps of stars.
My flat roof is a private galaxy
That stretches on stubbornly forever.
The universe created us by chance,
Our birth, simple happenstance.
Should life be guarded or gambled?
Lodged in a vault or flung to the wind?
God announces: Happy Birthday.
Everyone raises a glass and giggles audibly.
Death gets clearer in the distance. Closer by a year.
Because all are afraid, none is afraid.
A pity how fast youth sputters and burns,
Its flame like the season's last peony.
A bright misery.
   You didn't come to live with me.


13. Thinking

I spend all my spare time doing it.
I give it a name: walking indoors.
I imagine a life in which I possess
All that I lack. I fix what has failed
What never was, I build and seize.
It's impossible to think of everything,
Yet more and more I do. Thinking
What I am afraid to say keeps fear
And fear's twin, rage, at bay. Law
Squints out from its burrow, jams
Its quiver with arrows. It shoots
Like it thinks: never straight. My thoughts
Escape. One day, they'll emigrate
To a kingdom far-off and heady.
My visa's in-process, though like anyone,
I worry it's overpopulated already.
   You didn't come to live with me.


14. Hope Beyond Hope

This city of riches has fallen empty.
Small rooms like mine are easy to breach.
Watchmen pace, peer in, gazes hungry.
I come and go, always alone, heavy with worry.
My flesh forsakes itself. Strangers' eyes
Drill into me till I bleed. I beg God:
Make me a ghost.
      Fellow citizens:
Something invisible blocks every road.
I wait night after night with a hope beyond hope.
If you come, will nation rise against nation?
If you come, will the Yellow River drown its banks?
If you come, will the sky blacken and rage?
Will your coming decimate the harvest?
There is nothing I can do in the face of all I hate.
What I hate most is the person I've become.
   You didn't come to live with me.

Late September 1986

独身女人的卧室

1. 镜子的魔术

你猜我认识的是谁
她是一个，又是许多个
在各个方向突然出现
又瞬间消隐
她目光直视
没有幸福的痕迹
她自言自语，没有声音
她是立体，又是平面
她给你什么你也无法接受
她不能属于任何人
——她就是镜子中的我
整个世界除以二
剩下的一个单数
一个自由运动的独立的单子
一个具有创造力的精神实体
——她就是镜子中的我
我的木框镜子就在床头
它一天做一百次这样的魔术
  你不来与我同居


3. 窗帘的秘密

白天我总是拉着窗帘
以便想象阳光下的罪恶
或者进入感情王国
心理空前安全
心理空前自由
然后幽灵一样的灵感纷纷出笼
我结交他们达到快感高潮
新生儿立即出世
智力空前良好
如果需要幸福我就拉上窗帘
痛苦立即变成享受
如果我想自杀我就拉上窗帘
生存欲望油然而生
拉上窗帘听一段交响曲
爱情就充满各个角落
  你不来与我同居


5. 小小聚会

小小餐桌铺一块彩色台布
迷离的灯光泄在模糊的头顶
喝一口红红的酒
我和几位老兄起来跳舞
像舞厅的少男少女一样
我们不微笑，沉默着
显得昏昏欲醉
独身女人的时间像一块猪排
你却不来分食
我在偷偷念一个咒语——
让我的高跟鞋跳掉后跟
噢！这个世界已不是我的
我好像出生了一个世纪
面容腐朽，脚上也长了皱纹
独身女人没有好名声
只是因为她不再年轻
  你不来与我同居


7. 星期日独唱

星期日没有人陪我去野游
公园最可怕，我不敢问津
我翻出现存的全体歌本
在土耳其浴室里流浪
从早饭后唱到黄昏
头发唱成 1
眼睛唱成 2
耳朵唱成 3
鼻子唱成 4
脸蛋唱成 5
嘴巴唱成 6
全身上下唱成7
表哥的名言万岁——
歌声是心灵的呻吟
音乐使痛苦可以忍受
孤独是伟大的
（我不要伟大）
疲乏的眼睛憩息在四壁
头发在屋顶下飞像黑色蝙蝠
  你不来与我同居


8. 哲学讨论

我朗读唯物主义哲学——
物质第一
我不创造任何物质
这个世界谁需要我
我甚至不生孩子
不承担人类最基本的责任
在一堆破烂的稿纸旁
讨论艺术讨论哲学
第一，存在主义
第二，达达主义
第三，实证主义
第四，超现实主义
终于发现了人类的秘密
为活着而活着
活着有没有意义
什么是最高意义
我有无用之用
我的气息无所不在
我决心进行无意义结婚
  你不来与我同居


10. 象征之梦

我一人占有这四面墙壁
我变成了枯燥的长方形
我做了一个长方形的梦
长方形的天空变成了狮子星座
一会儿头部闪闪发亮
一会儿尾部闪闪发亮
突然它变成一匹无缰的野马
向无边的宇宙飞驰而去
套马索无力地转了一圈垂落下来
宇宙漆黑没有道路
每一步都有如万丈深渊
自由的灵魂不知去向
也许她在某一天夭折
  你不来与我同居


11. 生日蜡烛

生日蜡烛像一堆星星
方方的屋顶是闭锁的太阳系
空间无边无沿
宇宙无意中创造了人
我们的出生纯属偶然
生命应当珍惜还是应当挥霍
应当约束还是应当放任
上帝命令：生日快乐
所有举杯者共同大笑
迎接又临近一年的死亡
因为是全体人的恐惧
所以全体人都不恐惧
可惜青春比蜡烛还短
火焰就要熄灭
这是我一个人的痛苦
  你不来与我同居


13. 想

我把剩余时间通通用来想
我赋予想一个形式：室内散步
我把体验过的加以深化
我把未得到的改为得到
我把发生过的加以进展
我把未曾有的化成幻觉
不能做的都想
怯于对你说的都想
法律踟蹰在地下
眼睁睁仰望着想
罗网和箭矢失去了目标
任凭想胡作非为
我想签证去想的王国居住
我只担心那里已经人口泛滥
  你不来与我同居


14. 绝望的希望

这繁华的城市如此空旷
小小的房子目标暴露
白天黑夜都有监护人
我独往独来，充满恐惧
我不可能健康无损
众多的目光如刺我鲜血淋漓
我祈祷上帝把那一半没有眼的椰子
  分给全体公民
道路已被无形的障碍封锁
我怀着绝望的希望夜夜等你
你来了会发生世界大战吗
你来了黄河会决口吗
你来了会有坏天气吗
你来了会影响收麦子吗
面对所恨的一切我无能为力
我最恨的是我自己
  你不来与我同居

1986年9月末