Joseph’s Reviews > Varney, the Vampyre > Status Update

This back cover is not accurate.

This back cover is not accurate.

Okay, so Varney's final actual for-real-honest backstory a.) contained nothing that we hadn't already seen play out in this book ten times before, except b.) a bunch of stuff about Cromwell and Charles II which doesn't matter and was just there 'cause, I dunno, Rymer wanted to discuss centuries-old politics in this vampire horror story.

Stop cutting back to Bevan just so that he can ask "Should I believe that this guy that I know is a vampire is actually a vampire?" It's pointless, and also it makes me hate this story more by reminding me that Bevan exists in it.

Man, all these bits are repetitive. Varney sneaks into a room and bites a girl. She screams. He flees. Everyone wakes up. Parent cries "murder!" even though the victim just fainted. Menfolk set up watch the next night. Hopefully this will be the last one, but I wouldn't put it past Rymer to slip in another in the next eight pages.

OH GOOD, MORE ANTI-SEMITISM. THANKS RYMER, YOU FUCKING FUCK.

"I have already said that I was not yet fully alive to the horror of what I was..."

Yes, you did. It was the sentence before last. Why are you repeating yourself so quickly? Did you somehow know that Bevan was going to take a three-paragraph break from reading at that exact spot? Or did Rymer not realize that a WRITTEN account should be phrased different than spoken dialogue?

"Alas! Alas! This is most grevious, and what can I do now?"

The same guy who scolded Sir George for being sad about his daughter's murder is throwing a tantrum because the murderer might die. Glad he's got his priorities in order!

I may have to stop now, I'll be here all night if I snark every time that Bevan does something reprehensible in the name of "goodness."

Notice a.) how much more concerned Bevan is with Varney's backstory than his friend's goodwill or mental health, and b.) the fact that Rymer uses the word "eager" three times in two sentences.

"We cannot anticipate any serious interruption to their general friendly intercourse."

Yeah, well, if it'd been me, I'd've never spoken to him again. Because I would have hacked his body to pieces and fed them to some pigs.