Joseph > Recent Status Updates

"Wherefore it shall come to pass that some guy shall find this book, and show it to three others, or maybe a few more, I haven't decided yet. And it shall come to pass that smart people shall say, 'Can we see this book? I feel like we need evidence for your claims before we believe them.' And the Lord God shall be angry at them for thinking.

"P.S.: The guy who finds this book gets to have at least fifty wives."

"George had been watching over her since she was a little girl."

PLEASE DON'T REMIND ME OF THAT.

Is there a point to all this copy/pasting of Isaiah? Like, we don't need Isaiah in your book, Smith. If we want to read it, we'll go read it in the other Bible.

Well, this isn't uncomfortable or problematic at all!

So, this is supposed to be where Native Americans came from, right? So shouldn't any of them who become Mormons suddenly get a lot paler?

"Because of their faith their words shall proceed forth out of my mouth unto their brethren who are the fruit of thy loins."

So the words of the Nephites are going to come out of God's mouth? I feel like there was a mistake there.

It really feels like Smith mentioned Moses by accident, suddenly realized his mistake, and quickly inserted an extra "OH YEAH A GUY CALLED MOSES IS GOING TO LEAD US OUT OF EGYPT" prophecy before getting back on topic.

"Wherefore, this land is consecrated unto him who [H]e shall bring. And if it so be that they shall serve [H]im according to the commandments which [H]e hath given, it shall be a land of liberty unto them; wherefore, they shall never be brought down into captivity."

I'm curious how this is supposed to jive with the fact that lots of the people brought to the Americas came IN captivity.

I don't think this is an accurate description of native American fauna.

"For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for [H]e said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not."

Okay, I guess that answered that question. I'm not convinced it's a sensible answer, though.

"And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness..."

Why? What was stopping you from cooking it? You can still make a fire in the wilderness.

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife."

This doesn't work in first-person. Like, tell us your wife's name, Nephi.

Well, these Messianic prophecies are rather blatant, aren't they? If only they had made it into the Bible instead of being buried in New York, I might still be a Christian.

(I kid, but seriously: why WOULD God give the most explicit prophecies about Jesus and then have them hidden away until 1,800 years too late?)

You could probably fit more on these plates if you stopped reminding us that you're not writing everything on these plates.

Seriously, Chapter 9 can just be summarized "No, I can't rewrite the missing 116 pages BUT THERE'S AN EXPLANATION SEE?!"

Why does Lehi need the plates to tell him that he's a descendant of Joseph? Does he not know which tribe he's from? And since this was when the tribes were still a thing, shouldn't Nephi mention whether the record says they're from Ephraim or Manasseh?

"Brethren of the church."

What church? This is pre-Babylonian exile. I'm not even sure if synagogues were a thing yet, let alone churches.

"...the coming of a Messiah, and also the redemption of the world. And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him."

Why? It's not even him claiming to be the Messiah, like with Jesus. Why does "the world will be redeemed" make them angry?

"And it came to pass that the Jews did mock him."

That's an odd way to phrase it, given that Nehi is a Jew living in a nation where pretty much everybody is Jewish. And because the word "Jew" didn't come into use until after the exile.

The generous interpretation is that the supposed Golden Plates read "Judahites," but that's still a weird phrasing, and at least shows that Smith wasn't translating well.

This whole "Hi, I'm Nehi" narrative really doesn't seem in line with Biblical style.

This whole "Hi, I'm Nehi" narrative really doesn't seem in line with Biblical style.

This whole "Hi, I'm Nehi" narrative really doesn't seem in line with Biblical style.

Too many missing quotation marks.

Another missing quotation mark.

Missing quotation mark.

Missing period at "Well, I'm not sure."

There are 613 mitzvot in the Torah, saying that's how many "halakhot in the Talmud" just seems...off.

"Strong cold, wind" should be "strong, cold wind."
Also, "Oh, not the west. We travel to the East!" has inconsistent capitalization.

Male mosquitos don't sting. PFFFT. Can't believe there's such a basic scientific inaccuracy in this medieval fairytale.

"...she reached inside his cloak, drew out his dagger, and raised it to strike him in the heart."

You go girl!

"The defilement of the Second Temple by Titus in Rome" doesn't really make sense. It could be "Titus OF Rome" or "in THE TIME OF Rome."

"Century" is missing after "20th."