Diana’s Reviews > Heap Earth Upon It > Status Update

I’m hit with the realisation that my life was ruined, and I never got an apology. It looked like an accident, so it was treated like an accident. Maybe the reason I’ve never been able to move forward is that I’ve been trying to grieve an accident, when I know it all happened on purpose.

For a long time after, I tried to recreate that closeness. I’m not sure why it never came back. As good as I was to you, it was never the same as that night. Now I wish I could have just enjoyed the memory of us, rather than always trying to reanimate it. Overdoing it, you know.

And with a jolt I realise how much she has already come to mean to me, and how afraid I would be to lose her. She makes my thoughts feel real. Not like abstract things I can’t get a hold of or pin down or make sense of. She grounds me. Maybe she is the centre I have lost. I want to touch her. To hold on to her for just a moment and let her know what her company means to me.

Perhaps if I stay here for long enough, she will heal me. As long as the evening is coming down around me, as long as she will have me, I will stay here with her.

The rest of me, the most of me, is just afraid of what will happen if I stay isolated forever.

Those passing, pretty women remind me of all the friendships that I’ve misplaced. Those close connections that always fell short of lasting. Where are all of those girls now? Do they remember me ever?

Is this بهشت?