Lexie Carroll’s Reviews > Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships > Status Update

On unquestioned loyalty:
Questions are a healthy way to understand systems, including families. It isn’t OK when you aren’t allowed to ask questions. Critical thinking is a threat to unhealthy systems, and questions make people think. So people often fight it when the system is questioned. But still, your loyalty is first and foremost to your own well-being.

Surviving v. thriving:
You survive when you don’t repeat a cycle. But you thrive when you create a new legacy and trajectory. Conscious awareness and efforts are what separate someone who thrives from someone who survives. You can consciously create a new life; and those who do are called cycle breakers.

Many clients enter therapy in the contemplation stage, and quite often people leave therapy in the contemplation stage. Considering change is more accessible than actually making changes, especially changes in our families. Contemplation can last for years. This may seem like a disappointing reality, but therapists have come to accept that it’s where we must sit with clients until they’re ready to take action.

Mantra:
“I am not a product of my environment. I am a product of the choices I make right now. Sometimes those choices are influenced by my environment; however, I have a choice about who I want to be. I can be different from my environment. This will not be easy, but I can do it.”

People aren’t always aware that a pattern exists, but when they are, patterns are often regarded as deep family secrets. Some families hope that a dysfunctional situation is simply an anomaly, and perhaps it will disappear on its own. But changes don’t happen unless the problem is addressed head on. Some things don’t get better with time.

Affirmations for Overfunctioners:
I can listen to people without assuming my help is needed.
It isn’t my job to resolve issues that they can resolve on their own.
If people want my help, I will allow them to ask.
When asked to help, I will help in a way that doesn’t rob my care for myself.
I am willing to step back and allow things to unfold; to allow others to care for themselves in their own way.

We often assume that doing things FOR people is the most helpful way to support them. But ultimately SHOWING people how to care for themselves is the best way to help them in the long term.
Hard truth: some people (including those we care about) have no desire to care for themselves in healthy ways, or lack the will to do so.
Over-helping comes at a cost- caretaking others means we’re not present for our own lives.