zoe olesker’s Reviews > Notes from Underground > Status Update

“i hated them terribly, though i was perhaps worse than they were. they paid me back in kind and did not conceal their loathing for me. but i no longer had any wish for their love; on the contrary, i constantly thirsted for their humiliation.”

“he knew me by heart.
it infuriated me that he knew me by heart.”

“this was a torment of torments, a ceaseless, unbearable humiliation from the thought […] of my being a fly before that whole world, a foul, obscene fly — more intelligent, more developed, more noble than everyone else — that went without saying but a fly, ceaselessly giving way to everyone, humiliated by everyone, insulted by everyone”

“reading was, of course, a great help — it stirred, delighted, and tormented me.”

“generally, i was always alone”

“besides: maybe i will indeed get relief from the writing. […] i believe for some reason that if i write it down, i shall then be rid of it. so why not try?
finally: i’m bored, and i constantly do nothing. and writing things down really seems like work. they say work makes a man good and honest. well, here’s a chance at least.”

“maybe it's also that i'm simply a coward. and maybe also that i'm purposely imagining a public before me so as to behave more decently while i write. there may be a thousand reasons.”

“i shall never have any readers. i have already declared as much… i do not want to hamper myself with anything in preparing my notes. i will not introduce any order or system. whatever i recall, i will write down”