zoe olesker’s Reviews > Notes from Underground > Status Update

“i hated them terribly, though i was perhaps worse than they were. they paid me back in kind and did not conceal their loathing for me. but i no longer had any wish for their love; on the contrary, i constantly thirsted for their humiliation.”

“this was a torment of torments, a ceaseless, unbearable humiliation from the thought […] of my being a fly before that whole world, a foul, obscene fly — more intelligent, more developed, more noble than everyone else — that went without saying but a fly, ceaselessly giving way to everyone, humiliated by everyone, insulted by everyone”

“reading was, of course, a great help — it stirred, delighted, and tormented me.”

“generally, i was always alone”

“besides: maybe i will indeed get relief from the writing. […] i believe for some reason that if i write it down, i shall then be rid of it. so why not try?
finally: i’m bored, and i constantly do nothing. and writing things down really seems like work. they say work makes a man good and honest. well, here’s a chance at least.”

“maybe it's also that i'm simply a coward. and maybe also that i'm purposely imagining a public before me so as to behave more decently while i write. there may be a thousand reasons.”

“i shall never have any readers. i have already declared as much… i do not want to hamper myself with anything in preparing my notes. i will not introduce any order or system. whatever i recall, i will write down”

“in every man's memories there are such things as he will reveal not to everyone, but perhaps only to friends. there are also such as he will reveal not even to friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. […] is it possible to be perfectly candid with oneself and not be afraid of the whole truth?”

“he senses that once he finds it, there will be nothing to search for”