Arthur Graham’s Reviews > Statue of Limitations > Status Update

Dumb story ideas that didn’t make it

The transmission was a spoken-word experimental jazz bit where a trance DJ from Wales sampled all of Jack Kervorkian’s speeches and cut-pasted the words so he was reading the Heaven’s Gate cult’s suicide notes, with David Koresh’s heavy metal blues jam guitar looping in the background. It was like the triple crown of Nineties snuff suicide rock and roll revolution.

He wanted to patent a combination EpiPen and Narcan injector, for people who overdose on heroin that contains trace amounts of peanut products.

A school bus thief amassed a motley collection of at least a dozen Blue Bird buses. He primarily stole the Blue Bird All American buses with the Cummins VT555 V8 diesel front-engine configuration, circa 1975-1985. Nobody knew why he was fixated on Type-D transit vehicles. Maybe he had a family member killed by someone trying to pass a stopped bus.

47 auto fatalities per second are caused by teenagers abusing insulin. It’s the latest craze, bored high school dropouts trying to cop a buzz by shooting Novolin while driving at high speed and masturbating, then slipping into a hypoglycemic coma and crashing into oncoming traffic. I think this started on TikTok, I don’t know.

The numbers have been removed from every road in Indiana because math is woke.

This book is dedicated to the city planner from Anchorage who bought me one of every item on the Taco Bell Express menu during a snowstorm in Dallas, Texas in 1993 and told me the story about how his brother was in a medically-induced coma because he tried using a belt sander for self-surgery and accidentally split the two halves of his brain, which increased his United States Chess Federation ranking by 400 points.