Arthur Graham’s Reviews > Statue of Limitations > Status Update
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Arthur Graham
is on page 59 of 121
Hour four of the Quentin Tarantino remake of Citizen Kane, and I prayed to God, Allah, and Satan they would have some kind of Gone With the Wind-style intermission so I could take a dump. I accidentally drank a colonoscopy prep phosopho-soda laxative with my chili-dog during the trailers, and the rumbling in my guts told me I was almost out of time.
— Jan 12, 2026 06:25PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 32 of 121
The transmission was a spoken-word experimental jazz bit where a trance DJ from Wales sampled all of Jack Kervorkian’s speeches and cut-pasted the words so he was reading the Heaven’s Gate cult’s suicide notes, with David Koresh’s heavy metal blues jam guitar looping in the background. It was like the triple crown of Nineties snuff suicide rock and roll revolution.
— Jan 06, 2026 06:05AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 26 of 121
He wanted to patent a combination EpiPen and Narcan injector, for people who overdose on heroin that contains trace amounts of peanut products.
— Jan 06, 2026 05:57AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 21 of 121
A school bus thief amassed a motley collection of at least a dozen Blue Bird buses. He primarily stole the Blue Bird All American buses with the Cummins VT555 V8 diesel front-engine configuration, circa 1975-1985. Nobody knew why he was fixated on Type-D transit vehicles. Maybe he had a family member killed by someone trying to pass a stopped bus.
— Jan 05, 2026 06:19PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 15 of 121
47 auto fatalities per second are caused by teenagers abusing insulin. It’s the latest craze, bored high school dropouts trying to cop a buzz by shooting Novolin while driving at high speed and masturbating, then slipping into a hypoglycemic coma and crashing into oncoming traffic. I think this started on TikTok, I don’t know.
— Jan 05, 2026 07:11AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 10 of 121
The numbers have been removed from every road in Indiana because math is woke.
— Jan 04, 2026 06:03PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 7 of 121
This book is dedicated to the city planner from Anchorage who bought me one of every item on the Taco Bell Express menu during a snowstorm in Dallas, Texas in 1993 and told me the story about how his brother was in a medically-induced coma because he tried using a belt sander for self-surgery and accidentally split the two halves of his brain, which increased his United States Chess Federation ranking by 400 points.
— Jan 03, 2026 05:30PM
• Vintage erotica about Lyndon Johnson’s fetish for illegal u-turns.
• A detective murder mystery set in London in the 1980s, but every character has primary polydipsia, the mental disorder where you drink too many fluids due to a perceived dry mouth. Princess Diana is giving out bottled water to afflicted people at Trafalgar Square when she is assassinated by an MI6 agent.
• A choose your own adventure book about bowel disorders
• A series of haiku about a serial killer who got a job at McDonald’s to hide the dismembered body parts of his victims in the Chicken McNuggets, resulting in a class action lawsuit over the declared percentage of chicken content in advertisements.
• Two men who worked for the government auditing the thickness of printed paper money who start skipping work every day so they can go to a Giant Food grocery store and compulsively masturbate to boxes of Count Chocula in hopes of getting caught.
• The story starts with a man in the booth of a diner, his table full of puke. He’s crying, slobbering, re-eating the mostly unchewed meatloaf from the pile of chunder. He screams “I PAID FOR THE WHOLE TRAY OF MEATLOAF, I INTEND TO EAT THE WHOLE TRAY OF MEATLOAF!” It’s later revealed that the man is the President of the Solar System and he does this once a year on the anniversary of when he destroyed Earth.
• A guy who used Dr Pepper to sharpen his machete and then invented Juice and moved to Ireland to fight goats.
• A maximalist 7000-page story about a mother of seven at a Chuck-E-Cheese ignoring her kids while she chain-smokes using half a pizza as an ashtray and looks at Tupac autopsy photos on her phone. Six of her kids end up as deadbeats or spend their lives in prison, but one gets a PhD from Stanford in immunology and later proves Jim Henson really died of an anthrax attack.
• A book about an urban legend email forward that’s titled RE: RE: FWD: RE: FWD: FWD: RE: RE: RE:.